Future's Past, as Recorded by Valeda Sol'May
by Bonnie K
Summary: Val is a Drow who unexpectedly found herself thrust into a modern world, with no memory and very few clues as to who she is and where she came from. She is currently trying to find out what brought her here, and to live a life free of her past.
1. Hole in the Wall

August 20, 2007

I have no memory of who I am. I woke three days ago in a back alley in Boston, Massachusetts. I do not know how I got there. I only know my name, and I can do things just by thinking them. I willed a rock to fly at a dog that would have attacked me, that is how I know about that! But that is all.

I awoke in the day, with the sun so bright I could not see. It hurt my eyes. It still hurts my eyes, but I have found sun glasses help that a little. It was when I left the alley that Sister Evelyn found me and brought me to the school. I still do not really understand why, they all swear they do not know me. The Headmaster would only say he knew I belonged here. So here I am. I gave them a fake name; it did not seem safe to tell them my real name. So I told them I was Val Storm, and that is close enough. They made some papers for me, and now I am a ward of the Catholic Church. Officially, I was born in Egypt and my parents died in a plane crash last year. In reality, I have no clue who or where my family is. Officially, I turned 16 on August 15. But I have no idea how old I really am. I could be an adult, I do not know.

I decided to start writing about my experiences. Perhaps I can put together some of the pieces of my past by understanding what is happening to me now. I have also been listening to a lot of music. Some of which are like hints of feelings and dreams. I have decided to write down some of the lyrics that make me feel feelings that seem familiar. These feelings could also be clues.

There are other children arriving in the dorms. I know I am different. I am different in a way I do not think people are comfortable with. They made me dye my hair black. I nearly cried when they did it, though I do not understand why. I have strange markings on my body. They did not see them, and I do not think they should know. I do not know what they mean, or how I got them.

What happened to me? Why am I in this place? What made me forget? Everything is blank. I only have my name: Valeda Ne'Marr.

August 22, 2007

I do not need to sleep. All I need is a couple of hours to be still and think every night, but I do not need sleep. So I have been reading at night. On the advice of my English teacher, I read Homer's Odyssey. I just finished reading it, and I must say I really enjoyed it. I know it is very old, but I enjoyed Homer's style of writing. It really did sound how I think English should sound, though I know it was written in another language. It was very detailed, explaining everything I felt I would want to know about the characters, the history and the settings. The story was also quite moving. Odysseus' unwillingness to give up is quite inspiring, and in the end it pays off. He gets home and gets his life back. If only every story could end this way.

August 27, 2007

I received a roommate six days ago. Her name is Heather Conrad, and I am not entirely sure what to think of her. She really did seem nice enough to begin with, but is very insecure. She is friends with a group of girls who are considered the popular crowd. I do not entirely understand this concept, but it seems very important to Heather. These girls have already decided I am anathema, and are determined to make me miserable. I pay them no mind; I see no reason to be bothered by what a group of spoiled rich girls think of me. Many others, Heather included, want to impress them. So it seems I go against the grain again.

We started classes the day after Heather arrived. I have homeroom and Bible study, algebra, chemistry, American history, English, speech, and computer class. It has been interesting so far, however without my memory I am very far behind everyone else. If I once knew any of these things I have forgotten them. Most of the teachers are understanding, and the past couple of day I have had tutors assigned to help me get caught up to everyone else.

The boy assigned to help me with English is Sora Kithkin. Sora is probably the one person here who is as different and strange as I am. I have heard the more popular boys call him fag or homo, which means he is attracted to men and not women. From what I gather, in this society that is considered wrong. I do not see why it should be, it is Sora's business and his alone who he is attracted to. But since the children here seem intent on being cruel, we will just have to live with their ire. I like Sora, he has been kind to me.

His roommate, Ryan Hesling, is also someone I am becoming acquainted with. Ryan is also a bit different, but not as obviously so as Sora or myself. He is mostly very quiet. I am not exactly sure what to think of him, but so far he seems nice enough. Sora told me Ryan does a lot the more popular student's homework, and that is why they do not pick on him as much.

It seems very strange to me to have friends. Which in itself is strange, since everyone else has or wants friends. It just feels as if this were the first time. I almost did not notice Sora being nice to me until he asked me to go get coffee and hang out with him!Things are a bit difficult, but it seems as if life is not going to be that bad. I wish I knew what got me here, but I think once I know I can be content with this life.

August 30, 2007

Today Ryan took Sora and I out to meet some friends of his. They go to the public school down the street. Honestly, I am not impressed so far.

First is Allie Crowley, who was mostly very quiet. She did not say much and was pretty much unremarkable in every way. Allie lives in a foster home, and has no memory of her past. She woke up on the streets a month ago with no memory of what she was before. She told me she does not even remember her real name! This interests me; I have been lead to believe this amnesia is very rare. Now here are two teenaged girls in the same area of the same city who do not remember anything about their past. I hope it is a coincidence.

Colt Kinsley was very interesting, but not necessarily in a way I would consider positive. Ryan called him a jock a couple of times, I guess this means he plays sports and has some other stereotypes along with it that I do not entirely understand. Colt was proud of it, said he plays a game called Lacrosse. When I said I did not know what that was he laughed and acted as though it were not possible. Then he tried to explain the rules. I did not understand them, some how I think sports are not for me. He acted as though he were better than the rest of us, and rubbed me the wrong way in general.

I will admit that Colt was better than Derek MacKinnley. Derek seemed ignorant of any kind of politeness. He tried to flirt with me in a very lewd way, and was quite rude to Sora because Sora was wearing a dress. He bragged about stealing things and is apparently on the run from the mob (Ryan explained that the mob is organized criminals).

After meeting at Starbucks we went over to Colt's house to play on his X-Box. His father was frightening, and Volt's room looked like a bomb had gone off in the laundry basket. I have decided I do not care for video games. They really seem to not be useful in any way. They played a game called Halo in which they ran around and shot guns at each other. Apparently this is a popular pass time for teenagers, but I was quite bored. All in all it was not too bad of a night. I guess this is the way most teenagers spend their days. So if I am going to be a teenager, I should try to enjoy it.

September 5, 2007

I may have found a connection with my past today, but I feel quite uneasy about it. After school I went to the Headmaster's office to discuss my progress in school. He told me something I did not understand then, but do now. He told me for the next couple of days I should try to stay off campus or in my dorm room as often as I could. He said for my safety I should lay low. I was then to go into the Reverend Mother's office, and she dyed my hair. She was very nervous the whole time, pulling my hair, and she even dropped the bowl of dye leaving a huge stain on the carpet. When we were finished she told me the same thing as the Headmaster; go to your dorm and stay there.

Halfway to the dorms, I realized I forgotten my bag in the Headmaster's office. I had an important homework assignment in chemistry, so I went back to get it (How am I going to explain to Father Kent I do not have it!). There were people in his office, but the door was open a crack so I looked in to see if it was okay for me to get my bag.

There were two very large, muscular men and a tall blond woman speaking with the Headmaster. There was nothing remarkable about the woman aside from beauty. The two men were different. They made me feel uneasy. When they shifted into the light, I saw that their shadows had wings!

The door creaked a bit and they turned. When he saw me one of the men pulled a sword from thin air and attacked me! I heard his voice shout my name inside my head, but he said nothing aloud. I decided it might be best to get out of there and so left campus to meet Sora and Ryan at Colt's house.

We watched Star Wars (more on that later), but had to be back at campus at eight o'clock. When we came back I said good night to Sora and Ryan and went back to my room. Heather wasn't there, so I figured she was watching a movie. I had only been in the room a minute when my door burst open and the man who attacked me came in, sword in hand. He spoke to me, not in English, but in a strange language I could understand! He challenged me to a duel, and I told him I did not know how. I did not understand what he wanted of me or why, and I made it clear. He got very angry because I was unarmed and started shouting. It was then the Headmaster ran in and claimed me as his charge. The man left, almost disappeared.

So now I am at Colt's house. The Headmaster told me I could not stay at the school anymore because it was not safe for me. This was the only place I could think to go. Colt said I can stay here for a while, but I do not want to be here for long. I hope the problem at school passes quickly, I really hate this arrangement. Colt is letting me have his bed, but I don't know if this is any better than sleeping on the couch or the floor. The whole place smells like old socks.

I wish I knew how he knows me and what I did for him to hate me so. I do not. It all means nothing; except that I remembered a language I did not know I knew. And that someone I do not remember hates me so much he wants my death. What have I done?

September 6, 2007

We watched Star Wars at Colt's house yesterday. I really am noticing a theme in storytelling, which is the journey of the hero from boy to man. This describes Star Wars very much. We watched what they called the original trilogy. I guess there are three more Star Wars movies that are about the villain becoming the villain, but Colt said they are not as good as the first. He and Ryan got in a passionate argument about this, apparently Ryan thought the "new" trilogy was the better. Having only seen one of them, I cannot really tell.

It was a quite archetypal story of a boy, finding a teacher, traveling, rescuing the girl (who turns out to be his sister) and becoming a man. It was entertaining, but from what I have seen of mythology and other stories and forms of entertainment it is not a new idea. Except maybe the girl being his sister. Some of the villains were even redeemed in the end, a touch which I enjoyed.

I know it was purely made to entertain, but there were a few things I noticed that I found kind of funny. There was a battle in the end of the last film where a group of cute little teddy bears (what the Hell is it with cute fuzzy things? Sora loves them, but I do not get it!) fought against the troupes of the empire with basically nothing. They did it wrong. It all worked out in the end because of what Ryan called script protection, but if that had been a real battle they may have all died. It just seems to me in a fight with an enemy using mostly ranged weapons when you have none you should bring the fight right to them. I mean make their guns obsolete and attack them close. There are other things I can think of the little bears could have done, but I see no need to go into description.

I did notice in the kitchen getting snacks, as I was explaining what the ewoks had done wrong, Colt's father was giving me strange looks. As if he were surprised a teenaged girl should know such things. I guess it is a little strange, but I do seem to know quite a few things that are strange for teenaged girls to know. Like odd languages and telekinesis.

September 7, 2007

Allie, Colt and Derek broke into the school last week. For what reason I do not know, but they got a month of Sunday School instead of charges pressed against them. Fools. The very same night Sora and Ryan got detention for nearly burning down the boys dorms.

A couple days ago they were serving their time by helping trim the weeds around the walls of the school. They found a hole in the wall leading to the graveyard next door. Of course, Colt decides we ALL need to investigate. They stole my book, and we crawled into the hole in the wall.

I could see nothing on the other side except a graveyard. Since I have been going out of my way to keep out of trouble, I took my book back and left. I went back to my book and my quiet afternoon. When I left, they found something. They found several bodies that were decomposing and not in their graves.

Other strange things have been happening. Allie told me that her school got shut down yesterday when some of the students found a dead body on the playground that was moving. I saw on the way back to Colt's a body on the street that was eating another body! I went back and told the Headmaster right away.

Maggie was there when I arrived and seemed very interested in what I told them. She knew about what the others had found in the graveyard and had been asking them about it. She asked me to meet her and the others in the chapel. He was with her when I arrived. He did not attack me this time, just stared at me as if I were something quite horrible. It really made me uneasy; he really did look like he would tear me to shreds if he could. I tried to ignore it, but I could feel his eyes on me the whole time.

Maggie asked us to do something very interesting. She told us it was not a coincidence we had all become friends at this time. She asked us to go into the graveyard, find out what was causing the disturbances, and kill it if we had to. She could not do it; she said circumstances beyond her control kept her from doing it herself. We had to do it.

So today after school we went to Ryan's house to plan what we would do. His father runs a dojo, and I learned I know how to use a sword! I picked it up and it was the most natural thing I can remember doing. Ryan let me take one of the wooden swords, I used it tonight. After Ryan's we went to Colt's father's store. His father owns an army navy store, which sells equipment and weapons. We stocked up on equipment that Colt decided would be useful against zombies, and headed back to the school.

There had been a white tent put up in front of the hole in the wall, Maggie was inside. She gave us a flare gun and said if it became too much for us to use it.

We went in and were mobbed by zombies pretty much right away. I had the boken and a knife with me, but they did me little good. The last thing I remember before I went down was Ryan casting light on the mausoleum.

I woke in the tent. Everyone was really beat up, we had failed. The Headmaster and Maggie were both there and were arguing. The Headmaster was of the opinion we should not be doing this. Maggie insisted it had to be us. It did not surprise me at all that Maggie won the argument. We will be going back tomorrow and next time we will be better prepared. I noticed the zombies are very slow. If we can keep one step ahead of them, we should have no problem.

On a side note, Heather has been moved into a new room. My belongings are the only things in the room, and someone has been going through them. I do not believe it was Heather; she would have at least tried to cover it up. It was obviously someone who does not care I know they were here. The only thing they took was the hair from my comb. I can only assume someone is looking to see if I dye my hair. It was him. He knows my name; he must know my hair is not black. I am a little worried about what is going to happen with him next. I wish there was a way to talk calmly with him, find out what happened and maybe if there is something I can do about it aside from die. But I do not think it is possible.

So tomorrow night we go back in. I do not know what more we will find there, but I do not fear it.

September 8, 2007

We were in for quite a surprise tonight. I do not know what I was expecting, but it certainly was not this! We went back into the graveyard this evening. Thankfully, things went much better with the zombies now we had a better grasp of how to fight them.

We fought our way to the manor house in the center of the graveyard. There were many odd creatures at the house. Strange beasts with horrible toothy faces and claws. They were a bit tougher than the zombies, but with a little creativity on Colt's part we made short work of them.

We found more bodies inside, but these were not zombies. They looked as if they had been eaten! A couple were students at the school. We continued to the top floor of the house, fighting more of those strange monsters on the way. At the top was the worst monster of the night and the cause of all the strange occurrences; a werewolf.

It was a strange fight, much of it seemed unreal. The strange symbols on my body were glowing blue. I was able to use telekinesis better than I have before, and threw chairs and other things at it. Ryan fought with magic. I would not have known he could cast such spells if I had not seen it. One of the strangest things was Allie. She turned into something out of a fairytale. Horns grew out of her head, and she got a tail. Plus her legs became hoof-like, like a satyr. She was still Allie, but she was more. Different.

The fight seemed almost to move in slow motion. It was all very dreamlike. Then Sora touched him. That was all, just touched him! There was a flash of light that blinded me and then the werewolf was just a man again. It was Arthur, the school groundskeeper. He was the werewolf! We decided to keep what had happened a secret form Maggie. There is no way for us to know what her intentions are, and she had some interesting things to say before about magic. I do not believe she would look on what we can do, what we are, very kindly. We cannot let her know what we did.

We sent Derek to fetch her, and then went out to the front of the house to wait. Sora and Colt stayed behind to move Arthur to his room. Maggie arrived shortly with the two men (I am guessing they are like bodyguards?), and they began to investigate the bodies. Derek had told them we had managed to gun him down, so we stuck to that story.

Maggie had wanted to kill Arthur. I would have stood aside, but Sora insisted Arthur be given a chance. He said it was not Arthur's fault, this was not something he should die for. I suppose it is true he could not help his actions, but they still happened. I can admire Sora's compassion, but in a way agree with Maggie. What if he looses control again?

In the end we struck a deal. We would watch Arthur until the next full moon. If Arthur went on a rampage again, Maggie would deal with him. If not, he would be let to live freely.

So tonight is my last night at Colt's house, tomorrow we move into the graveyard manor with Arthur. It is a strange turn of events, but a welcome one. I will have more privacy here, though Sora, Ryan, Colt and Derek will be moving in also.

I can feel us fast moving toward something big. Maggie is right, there are no coincidences. There is a reason we all came together at this time. We were meant to do something. I hope it is not too long before we find out what.


	2. Question and Answer

September 11, 2007

About a week ago, Father Giuseppe, my history teacher, lent me a book on World Mythology. With all that has been going on, I never had the chance to finish it until only recently. It was quite an interesting read, actually giving me a bit of insight into why a lot of things work with people the way they do. It was quite interesting to see how most myth is similar, no matter what culture it came from. They all had a creation myth, and most of those were similar. Either the god's or one god made the world, or even the world in itself is godlike. Also there is a flood myth, where the gods decide to punish, or re-create the world. And one man is warned and survived. It is not an idea that originated with Christians. There are myths for the sun and moon, and mountains, stars, trees, and spirits in each culture. Even many animals have their own myths, though I noticed these were mostly dependent on region.

It shows all people want explanations. They want to know why the things around them are here. They want to understand why they are here. I suppose I am not too different from other people. I have a need to know my history, just like everyone else. The difference between me and most people is that they know where they came from. I do not.

But I do not think I came from anyplace that most people came from. I do not think I am human. We have seen there are people who look like people who are not. Arthur is a werewolf; Allie is whatever she is, though not all the time. I do not think that he is human, nor Maggie's other bodyguard. I do not think I am human. I am too different. Everything from my coloring, to my sleeping habits, and my past. It is too unique, too different from other people. I am not the same as they, and when I say that I do not mean in a special snowflake kind of way. Other people are snowflakes. I am different. It just makes sense. Not exactly in a way that is reassuring though, it just opens up more questions. If I am not human, what am I? Where did I come from? Why do I not remember anything but my name? Can other people like me do the things that I can do? Are there others, or am I the last of my kind?The answers will come with time. My memory cannot be forever gone. I just have to try harder to remember. Eventually I will come to something.

September 13, 2007

I have come across a puzzle that I would like some insight into. It is Maggie. Who is she and why is she here? It is strange to me, because in all I have studied of the Bible and of the church, women hold no power. They are the weaker sex and must bend to the will of men. I must admit, it is the main reason why Catholicism does not appeal to me in any way. But then there is Maggie. So far it seems as though her will is followed. I suppose it could be because of those two bruisers following her around, but if it were them, then why is she the one who does all the talking?

So far as I have studied, the Catholic's have almost always viewed women as being incomplete beings. Only fit to breed and sometimes to run a household. The only exceptions I have found have been the Virgin, Mary Magdalene and other female friends of Christ's and certain Saints. I suppose if you consider nuns, especially abbesses, there is minor authority given to women, rarely.

But then there is Maggie. She has told us she is here working for the Church. To do what exactly? She will not say. But the Headmaster, as much as he disagreed with her, let her have her way in the end. This proves she has some kind of authority over him. It does not make sense. According to dogma, she should have none, save perhaps in her own house.

I am a little worried about finding out the answers to all this. I am not sure if the truth about why she is here is going to be positive for me or my friends. But we need to know. We need to know what we could possibly have against us. If she is here to root out and do away with things not human, quite a few of us may find ourselves on the wrong end of her bodyguards swords.

September 20, 2007

I have decided to read the works of William Shakespeare and have finished reading a book of his histories. I found it quite interesting to read, though the old English was a little difficult at first. However the book I read had side notes of what the different uses for words and terms were, so it was not so difficult. Once I got used to it, I found I appreciate the way Shakespeare used words, he really was quite a genius with them.

The histories were all very interesting, however I noticed they were all quite near to the same story. They were all about kings, the only difference I really noticed was that some took place during war, and some did not. The characters were all very similar as well. All the Kings were pretty much the same kings, his advisors the same. The queens the same.

But I suppose if it works, as it does, go with it. I think just about every story is the same story anyway. In any medium, it is all the same.

September 22, 2007

After Arthur was feeling better last week he told us what had happened to him. He had been dealing mostly calmly with the werewolfism. It was only recently things had been getting really bad. A representative from Wing Corporation came to Arthur not too long before the last full moon. He told Arthur that he knew what was going on, and Wing wanted to help him. They gave him a stone, a bright purple stone like the color of my eyes. Arthur believes it was this stone that caused him to loose control like he did. We also believe it may have been what caused the dead bodies of the graveyard to become zombies.

Sora has it now. The night we fought Arthur, when Sora touched him he took the stone into his own body! It is there now, though he can call it out at any time, and shows itself as a strange tattoo on his arm. When Sora touches me and wills it, he can make the marks on my body glow like they did that night.

An interesting thing happened today. I was helping Sora clean up lunch (the other were out, I think playing sports), when a representative from Wing Corporation had arrived. He asked for Arthur, who was not there. I was about to shut the door on him, when he asked me about the stone. I told him I did not know what he was talking about, but I think he knew I was lying. He said that would get their property back and the conversation ended.

I believe Sora could be in danger. They really want that stone back, and I am sure they would go so far as to hurt him to get it back. The only people who I can think who can help us are Maggie and her bodyguards. They seemed to pay special notice to Sora, almost reverence. If Sora is in danger they will help. I plan on talking to Maggie about it when they come back at the full moon. The others cannot know, they would not approve. Sora definitely cannot know, I feel I am betraying him by even thinking it. But it is necessary to protect Sora against Wing. We cannot do it alone.

September 26, 2007

After a week of avoiding me, I was finally able to talk to the Headmaster today. I have been meaning to ask him the truth, if he knows what I am. I do not believe he does, or did. He may now, after what I showed him. I asked him what I was, he said "a very special girl". I told him I knew I was not human, which he denied until I pointed out the facts. My hair is naturally silver; I have never seen that before in someone as young as myself. My eyes are unusual. I have heard of others having violet eyes, but not my ultra-violet eyes, and they did not glow like mine do. Even my facial features and ears are different. And those are just the cosmetic proofs that I am not human.

I showed him the marks in my arms, and told him they covered my body. He was quite horrified, even more so when I told him I did not remember how I got them, and I do not think I wanted it. They make me uneasy. Afraid. I told him about the telekinesis, which he did not believe I could do. Until I showed him. This seemed to have the greatest effect on his belief that I was too different to be human.

Then he gave me a warning. Told me not to tell anyone, especially not Maggie. He said that she had a job to do that included watching people like me, and gave me the impression I would be another hit on her list if she knew what I could do. I am quite unafraid of Maggie, as much as I do not trust her. But I will not let her know the things I told the Headmaster, unless I feel it is necessary. Like if it is a choice between my life or Ryan's, I will gladly take the blame for his magic. I have a feeling I'm only passing through here anyway. This is only a stop on the journey, or honestly the escape. As much as I would like to keep this life, I do not think it is possible.

October 1, 2007

I have finished reading Brahm Stoker's Dracula tonight. It would have been a very good story, were it not for the writing. I do not believe I care for Victorian literature. First of all, I did not care that much of story was told through letters. Many details I would have like to know were lost in the correspondence. Nor did I care for the Victorian's general portrayal of women. They were seen as weak willed, weak minded, and generally passed over. Mina was the most important character in the story, yet she gave control of her destiny over to men! Not exactly something I find inspiring. The whole thing feels like a waste of a wonderful story. While I am glad to have read it, I feel a little disappointed.

On a side note, Allie brought in a stray today. A blue haired boy named Vince followed her home like little puppy, and he has not left, though it is very late. They are all in Colt's room right now playing video games. He's a very strange boy; I am not sure what to think of him. He is also quite crass, but I suppose he will get along just fine here. Sora seems to be quite taken with him; he is not too bad looking. But Vince really only seems to have eyes for Allie. Well, mostly Allie, he was attempting to flirt with me as well, but she is the one he followed home.

October 6, 2007

As I was waiting for Maggie to show up today, I read a book of the collected tragedies of William Shakespeare. I must say, I quite enjoyed it. Every story, while fairly similar, was unique is some way. Reading them really was a pleasure. Even Romeo and Juliet, which I did not enjoy as much as the others, was very interesting to read.

My favorite was Titus Andronicus. It was very well created. His revenge was masterful! It was well thought out and very well executed, and I enjoyed reading every moment of it. Really, anyone looking for revenge should read the works of Shakespeare. He really did think out just how it would be done in almost any situation. Vince told me that Titus is a movie as well, and says he will bring me a copy of it.

I also enjoyed Hamlet, mostly for the speeches in it. And King Lear for the ending. And Othello, because the main character was one of the best thought out characters I have ever read. Shakespeare really was a great writer. His histories were good, but the tragedies really are perfect. I think I shall actually purchase a copy of them for myself.

October 7, 2007

It is done. And while I know I have done the right thing I take little comfort in it. The full moon was tonight, and I had been waiting for them to come. Things have been a little tense the past couple of days. We have all been waiting for Maggie, expecting the worst.

Yesterday we received a visitor, sent here by Vince. I do not know how Vince knew a werewolf (or how he knew Arthur was a werewolf, really), but Julian's presence has been a blessing. He has come to help Arthur learn how to control the transformations. The two of them went out last night, and though I think they were fighting in the graveyard most of the night, they claim to have made some progress.

After sundown this evening, as Julian and Arthur were preparing to leave for the night, Maggie showed up with the bodyguards. Colt has noticed as well their shadows are winged. He has decided they are like angel wings, and now believes they are angels. I think he is wrong, but we shall see. We tried to explain Arthur was learning how to control the transformations; he would not hurt anyone again. Really, it was too late for talking. The moon rose and Arthur and Julian transformed. The guards attacked them, but it seems as though werewolves were a match for them. Eventually the fight turned into a chase that was taken off the grounds, but I do not know where they ended up, or if they were killed. I have not heard from either of them yet this evening, but the moon is still up, so I think it may be tomorrow, or the next day before we know.

I invited Maggie inside and spoke to her about Sora. Luckily, Vince had taken Sora upstairs and the others went with them, so we were able to speak privately. I told her the truth about what happened the night we first came here. I told her everything about Sora and the stone. The only thing I left out were the details about Ryan, Allie and myself. Then I asked if she could keep Sora safe. She agreed to help us and left soon after.

I do not feel good about this. But I saw how her guards treated Sora. I know they can help him, since we cannot. Not against Wing. I still feel like I have betrayed my best friend, but if it will keep him safe, I will follow through.


	3. Invoices

October 8, 2007

Vince came over after school today with an address. Said that certain people had been asking about us and we should meet them. This was all he would say, but I see no reason not to trust Vince. He may be strange, but he has established himself as a friend. So Ryan, Allie, Colt and I decided to go to the place specified. It turned out to be a bookstore owned by a man called Mr. Brogan. He was quite friendly, offering us drinks and was quite interested in the things we had been doing. We told him a little about what happened a month ago, about what happened with Arthur and the stone.

I was right about myself, I am sure of it. Mr. Brogan confirmed there are many people who pass as human who are not. He told us that he works with many who are like this, and they are interested in working with us. He would tell us more if we would help him with something.

What happened next would have been quite comical if it had not been so life threatening. But there had been a large box delivered to Mr. Brogan that afternoon. He had been about to open it when we arrived, and lucky for him we had. There was a large tentacled monster in that box, and it really had it in for Mr. Brogan. Lucky for us, it was only able to get a couple of tentacles out of the box. We cut those off and shoved a bookshelf in front of the hole before the monster was able to get out. Brogan showed us the invoice for the box, which had been sent from Wing Corporation. This company gets more and more interesting.

However, this was not why we were asked to come here. Mr. Brogan had a problem living in his basement. He did not know what it was, but he was hoping we could help him out. Of course we could. We went down into his cellar and in a back passage we found a nest of spiders. Giant spiders. Giant spiders the size of a small car. After some minor issues with the webs, and Colt getting bitten; we decided to torch the basement and call it good. It was made out of stone, so I do not understand why Mr. Brogan did not come to that conclusion to begin with.

We went home shortly after that. Sora is not here. Maggie must have come. I feel slightly relieved, but there is still something nagging at the back of my mind. It is probably because I did not like the idea of telling Maggie to begin with. I hope Sora does not hate me now. It was strange, but being in the cellar felt incredibly familiar. Everything about it; from the cool bite in the air, to the absolute darkness (I could see perfectly), even the spider webs all felt like home. It is the closest I have come to that feeling. I suppose it is another clue. I am so sick of clues. I want answers, but they are coming so slowly.

October 9, 2007

Today after school Allie, Colt and I went to the Council Police House. Ryan was not there after school. He is gone and his things are gone from his room. Plus he is not answering his phone. I am worried, but there is not much we can do. So we went without him. We spoke to a woman called Ms. Fellows, who told us about the Council Police. They are a group of people who find people like Allie and me, who just appeared here from some other place and need to adjust to life here. The Council Police find them, and help them do this. We are all on their payroll now, and are going to be working with them.

It seems that many of my theories about myself are fairly accurate. There is some other pace out there. More people show up every now and then, like me, with no memory. These people are not human, though Fellows does not remember seeing others exactly like me. Not many other people in the world know about this, nor would believe it, so we cannot tell anyone. The knowledge of the Council Police pretty much ends there. They do not know where or what this "someplace else" is.

So we got our first assignment and tomorrow we will be going down to a church to find out more about it. I think this is going to be good. It will be nice to have a purpose. Maybe talking to others who have been through what I have will lead to more answers.

October 10, 2007

At the church today we found out someone has been kidnapping non-humans. We spoke to a very small girl who told us about her brother's abduction and they asked us to help them find him. So, I am sitting in an alley, quite obviously non-human, waiting to be kidnapped. The plan is once I am taken the others (who are somewhere watching me) will follow and find out where the kidnappers are taking people. Simple really.

There is one thing that worries me about the whole thing. Colt brought a friend from school with him, a boy named Terrence Williams. He does not seem to be very smart, and really did not care for the plan. I do not think he will comply very well. But it is started and Colt will not make him leave, so we will just see how it goes!

October 11, 2007

It has been a very long day. It started out bad and has gotten progressively worse. Though I suppose we did achieve our goals, so it was not quite as bad as it seemed. But, oh, I am glad it is over. Terrence failed to cooperate, as I knew he would. Our plan would have worked too, they had me and they knew what I was. But as they were getting me into their car, Terrence jumped out and started shooting. He ended up killing one of them. The other was able to get away, but not before we were able to pull a very short, angry bearded man out of the trunk. It was the tiny girl's brother. The police came and Terrence was arrested. We were able to skate by as bystanders, but we were lucky. We were also able to get a license plate number, which we took back to the Council Police.

Vince was able to locate what house address the car was licensed too, so the three of us went there. There was no one there when we arrived, so we went into the backyards and "accidentally" broke into the patio door to get in the house. They were not keeping any abductees in the house, we looked everywhere. Just before the police showed up, I found an invoice from Wing Corporation, similar to the one Mr. Brogan received with his monster. On a hunch, I kept it. But we were caught. Someone had called the police after we broke in, so we had to beat a hasty retreat. However, Allie and Colt can run faster than I can. I was caught, and they had to come back to me. I feigned hysterics and lied about why we were there. The cops bought it hook, line and sinker. But they still questioned us and took us to the police station. The look on Colt's father's face when he came to pick him up was frightening, but that was nothing compared to the Reverend Mother. The car ride home was quite humbling.

She threatened to send me to Europe, and instead assigned me a keeper. Her name is Filain Caspian, and she is a nice girl, but she has no spine. It was quite easy to get her off campus and to the Mansion to plan our next move within an hour of acquiring her.

The invoice was addressed to a warehouse downtown, so we went there. They were closing up for the night, so Colt went in and staged a distraction (inquiring after employment, a brilliant move!) while we snuck in.

We waited until they locked all the doors and left, then began to look around. We had not been able to find anything, when the doors opened again. It was the man who had tried to kidnap me! We watched as he opened a door disguised as a stack of boxes. He was just as surprised as we were when he was promptly attacked by a horde of weird looking fishy people. We moved in to fight, but we were unable to save him. They ate him alive.

I was quite surprised by Fil. She had been whining a good deal before hand and was quite shaken by the fish people, but she threw herself quite bravely into the fight. The girl packs quite a punch! Once the fish people were taken care of, we went inside and freed the people who had been kidnapped. We gave them cab fare to wherever they wanted to go, then came home.

I am so tired; I think I might sleep tonight. It was a long, chaotic day. I think I might take a bit of a break tomorrow.

October 12, 2007

We went to the Council Police house today and told Ms. Fellows about what we had done the day before. We showed her the invoice found at the Bounty Hunter's house. There have been several packages like this sent out by Wing, and Vince was able to get us copies of the most recent ones.

So tomorrow we will be gong to the museum, where one of the boxes was sent. They have an exhibit of magical and mythological creatures, which sounds interesting, and a little to coincidental for my taste. There is also an invoice to a restaurant called The Spider's Web, which we will check out later this week.

When we got home, Colt and I watched the Fifth Element. Which is much better sci-fi than anything else I have seen. The story was amusing, the characters were interesting and the whole thing was very funny. Definitely one I may watch again.

October 13, 2007

It was another rather interesting day. We had planned to meet after school to go to the museum. Since Fil does not understand yet we cannot just talk about what has been happening, she asked me a rather loud question about monsters as we were leaving the school. We were overheard, and for a reason I do not think I will ever understand, Vittori Guiseppe invited himself along with us.

Tori is one of the popular boys (actually, I think Tori might be THE popular boy) at the school who used to give Sora hard time. I was not willing to allow him to come along, but Fil got all stupid and flirty and said yes. So he tagged along with nothing much I could do about it.

We got there just as they were getting ready to close. They would not have let us in, except that whatever was in the box got out, and we went in anyway. There was a Chinese delivery boy there with food for the guard, who for some reason (death wish maybe?) came back with us. We found the box in the back, and were unsurprised to find a Wing invoice on the side.

Whatever monsters were in the box had gotten out, so we followed a trail of destruction to the creatures. They were strange cat like animals, with some kind of tentacles on their back. They were also very unhappy to see us. But they were not too hard to kill.

So basically it seems Wing is sending people monsters. I am not entirely sure why, except so far the people receiving them are in the know about things coming over from some other place. I believe we will find out more when we visit the club in the next couple of days.

October 14, 2007

Maggie does not know where Sora is. She was not able to get to him in time. He's been gone for a week, and no one knows where he is. They must have him. Wing must have taken him. This is a disaster. I have no idea what to do, how to get him back... I feel completely helpless, and I hate it. I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens. I hate this.

I decided to do some research on the Spider's Web to see why Wing would be sending them a box. What I found out was quite interesting. The restaurant has a night club called The Lagoon. It is relatively new, only about four to five months old. They are owned by a man called Keerianinor d'Blade, who has an interesting history. He does not have one. All information about him only goes back about six to seven months. He came to Boston from Nova Scotia, of all places, and started the restaurant pretty much right away. Since then, he and his restaurant have been linked with organized crime and gang wars in Boston. Perhaps crossing Wing in the wrong way in the process?

The restaurant is very exclusive and expensive. It would take us weeks to get a reservation. The club is the hottest club in Boston. Getting in should be interesting, but not impossible. We will find out tomorrow at any rate.

October 15, 2007

After being unsure of how we were going to get into the Lagoon Club tonight, we decided to just go and see how it went. We seem to have an unusual amount of luck when it comes to getting in and out of places, so we figured it may not be too bad. I did have doubts once we got there; the line to get in was so long. But Tori is quite a skillful liar, almost as good as I am. He told he bouncers that Fil was someone called Avril Lavigne. I have no clue who that is, but it got all of us inside.

Once we were in, we split up to look for the box. Or rather, Tori and I split up to look for the box; everyone else just went off in random directions. We found a dark corner of the club that was, in fact, littered with boxes. There was also a bouncer with a very large gun standing guard over the boxes. I was prepared to act as though we were lovers looking for a dark corner, when Tori knocked him out! This really was an unexpected move. He may be new to what is going on, but he is handling it quite well.

I started looking for a box with a Wing logo on it, as Tori went through the bouncer's pockets. He tossed me a radio the man had been wearing in his ear and asked me to listen to what was going on. They were speaking the same unknown language I can somehow understand! They were trying to get someone to report in, and I could only guess it was our man, so we sped up the search. We found it, but the box was empty! The creature had already gotten out. So the search for the creature began, but we did not have to look for very long.

However, before it reared its ugly head, we were being shot at. Someone had come to check on the man who was not reporting. I tried to explain to the man there was something much worse than us running around and we had to find it, but he would have rather kept shooting at us. Of course, this did not last long. Apparently, D'Blade really pissed off Wing, because they sent him a dragon. A small dragon, but a dragon nonetheless. It was a tough fight, and a lot of people got hurt (including Sammo). But with the help of D'Blade's people, we got it down.

The dragon said something very interesting before it died. It said "This isn't over, Drow. He will send worse than me next." I wonder what D'Blade has done to gain Wing's ire like this. He must really want him dead!

We were able to speak to D'Blade afterward. He is the same as I am. In fact, many of the people who work for him are the same. The dragon named us Drow. So the question of what I am has been answered. Now the question is: what is Drow? If D'Blade knew more he would not tell me. He certainly skirted the issue of why Wing Corporation would send a dragon to kill him. We did not really get anything useful out of him, aside from a glass of really good wine and an address to somewhere else. He referred to a man called Estevan, said he may be a useful follow up, and we left soon after.

So we will be going to meet this Estevan soon, but will probably wait a couple days. We had to take Sammo to the hospital, and really do not know when he will get out.

It is strange to finally have a name for what I am. Drow. I feel an odd sense of pride in it, though I do not know what it means. With the way things are going, I may find out soon enough.

October 18, 2007

Maggie came to the mansion today. We spoke of what has been going on with us, though the others revealed many things I wish they had not. They pretty much told her everything. All the details, the names, all of it. And she should not know some of these things. I think I became a little too distressed over it, Maggie knows now how much I would hide from her. It will only make her dig deeper, which is not good for me or Allie.

I did try explaining how I felt and why, but I do not think they really understood, Tori and Fil especially. They are Catholic, so they want to trust her. I could not very well them if their choice was her they might as well leave. I do not want them to leave, at any rate. They are useful. And they want to be here. And for some reason that means something.

I was able to get them to agree we had to agree as a group before we told her things, just to make sure there is not anything revealed she should not know. I told them what the Headmaster had said about her, and they seemed to trust that.

Tori pointed out something interesting to me. I need to learn how to trust my friends. They want to trust me, and if I want them to trust me, I have to make the first step. He is right. And I realized I do want them to trust me. I need them to trust me. And something tells me that is not normal for me. Adjusting to this is going to be difficult. But I do not want to live my life in fear of betrayal, so I have to make this first step. It is my choice.

We went to the hospital to visit Sammo after Maggie left. He should be getting out tomorrow, so I think we will try to visit Estevan after he does. Sammo showed me something interesting. He received a letter from the church, basically asking him to spy on me. To let them know what I was up to, and what I did. They suspect something from me, and I want to know what it is. And I want to prove them wrong. So I told him to cooperate. Everyone was quite surprised by this; they did not think I should let him do it. But if he cooperates, that will show them I am not doing anything to hurt anyone. I am living my own life; away from whatever it is I used to be. I have started over, and I want them to understand that. So I asked him to do it. However, I am not sure he will. He seemed quite reluctant.

This whole thing is very confusing. I can only hope I will find out exactly what it is the church has against me. I have done nothing wrong I can remember. And even if I did, I am clean now. No memories. I have started over.

October 19, 2007

We met Estevan today. We went up to his house, which was in the rich neighborhood, after school. There did not seem to e anyone there, but we knew this could be an emergency, so we went in. Estevan has gargoyle's guarding his house. They were not wiling to let us in until we stated why we were there, which was to help Estevan. I realized this as we were fighting them, but Fil did not listen to me. She got beat up a bit, hopefully she learned her lesson. Sometimes things are not what they seem. Something may seem bad, until you try to find out its motivations. Like me.

We found a box with an invoice from Wing on the front porch, and the door was broken in. There were several unfriendly figures waiting to shoot at us in Estevan's library, and I got caught in the crossfire. I woke up being fed a shot of something quite sticky, a potion of some sort. I did not feel completely healed, but I could at least stand. Colt also happened to find a couple swords, which will certainly be useful. The one I took is very pretty, though small and light. Allie had gone off on her own, and found the house had a secret passage, much like ours. We figured whatever we were looking for had to be down here, so we went down.

Fil is not human. Her skin transformed into scales with a golden sheen to them, and her face changed to look a bit more reptilian. I am not sure how she is handling it, but she soldiered on fairly well. I will talk to her about it next chance we get. It must be hard for her.

There were skeletons, and some other very ugly humanoids down there, neither of which were happy to see us. In the fight I got hit really hard and missed most of what happened.  
In short, Estevan had come back, and spooked away the ugly people. Then he took us into a room exactly like the one in our house, and I was given another of those potions. He has a crystal, like the one Sora took from Arthur. It floats in the center of the room, and makes the writing on the wall glow. He told us a little about it. The crystals used to be parts of a larger crystal, and something happened to separate them. When this happened, all the magic left the world, but now it has been coming back. We think Wing might be gathering the crystals together, but for what purpose, we do not know. He did not seem to know much about what Allie, Fil, or myself were, aside from the fact they we were not human. He gave us a couple more potions to help soothe our hurts, let us keep the swords we found, and we went back home.

Something strange is going on with Allie. She has told me she does not want to know about her past. She is afraid of it, and thinks it is better left behind. I cannot help but find this cowardly, if you do not know about your past, you do not have a future. They go hand in hand. Yet, she went off on her own today because she wanted to transform. What she is is part of her past. She does not want one, but wants the other. She is either very confused, or she is deceiving me. Until I find out which, I do not feel like I can trust her. We have been through a lot, so this pains me, but I cannot take the chance she might be a threat to us. I cannot trust anything I do not understand completely right now, it is not safe.


	4. XVI The Tower

October 22, 2007

Wing Corporation has a lot of nerve. I have been receiving business cards from a Mr. White in the door every few days for the past week or so now. He was finally able to catch me today. I was the only one home, and was about to leave for the Council Police house, when he knocked on the door. I have been waiting for this conversation, so while I did not invite him in, we sat on the porch and talked. I really do not like this man. He was condescending and when that did not work for him, he was rude.

He asked if we would cooperate with Wing and stop destroying the spybot things they keep sending us. I asked where Sora was. They do have him, White confirmed, but they will not let him go unless we promise to cooperate. They wanted to keep watching us, like we were in a cage for them to experiment on. I politely declined, and then he started threatening me. Said they would take Sora back here, and if it had to be without us, they would make that happen. They will keep watching us, and if we not stop destroying their machines, if we do not stop interfering with the boxes they keep sending, then they will make us disappear.

Well, they can try. But we will keep fighting. Eventually we will find a way to get Sora back. They cannot stop us, short of killing us. Though I do not think they would hesitate at that either. They can try. I think if I can survive this past week, I will be quite hard to kill.

October 23, 2007

I should not have insulted Mr. White yesterday. They kidnapped Tori. He was back this afternoon, quite safe, but they kept him in a cage in a laboratory. They did it to show me that they could. They can make us disappear. And they will if we do not cooperate with them. Fil is scared, but she and Tori agree that we cannot let them have their way. We cannot cooperate. After what they have done and tried to do, we cannot.

If Mr. White had been there when Tori told us what happened, I would have torn him to pieces. I can picture the way I would have killed him, and it would not have been painless. I was so angry he would use my friend to threaten me I could not speak without screaming. My anger was a living thing, and I was only just able to keep it from getting away from my control. I am… I am afraid I can feel that kind of hate. That kind of fury. I do not want hatred like that in my life anymore. But I know it will always be there. What the hell happened to me? I am starting to think that maybe whatever it is I have forgotten is better left unremembered... But I need to know. I need to know so I can be ready whenever it comes back to find me. But how I wish could just forget, and let it stay forgotten.

October 24, 2007

Hide me in the shadow of your wings  
From the wicked who assail me  
From my mortal enemies who surround me  
They close up their callous hearts  
And their mouths speak with arrogance  
They have tracked me down  
They now surround me, with eyes alert  
To throw me to the ground  
They are like a lion hungry for prey  
Like a great lion crouching in cover  
Psalm 17

October 25, 2007

Colt received a phone call very early this morning from Mr. Brogan, who was quite panicked. Colt and I were the only ones at the house, so we went down to the bookstore to help. They tried to kill Brogan. Wing hired goons to burn down his store and kill him. I know Wing has gone after Brogan before, but I cannot help but feel partially responsible. He is our friend, Wing must know this, and is possibly using him against us. Colt and I fought the goons, but I got hit quite hard and went down.

When I went down Colt used the flare gun. The one Maggie gave us when we first met her, to use in case we came across something in the graveyard we could not handle. Colt, that idiot, used it. And he came. Together they were able to defeat the goons and save Brogan, but he was very angry. Colt told me was angry because Colt called him there "to save her".

When I woke we were at the mansion again. Maggie and the Headmaster were there, the Headmaster had used some kind of magic to heal me, but only enough to be able to walk. He was there, fighting with the other bodyguard. They were shouting in a language I could not understand, but he kept looking at me. I think the other was trying to keep him from getting to me. Maggie told me then, he blamed me for the fall of Eden. Paradise lost, and all that. The fall of Eden? What in the world could I have had to do with that?  
I am such a fool. I should not have tried to take matters into my own hands. I make too many mistakes. Too many mistakes that get people hurt, and this was one of them. I decided to ask him why he hated me. What I had done to deserve his ire? He threw his friend into a car, and challenged me again. Once again I asked why. He means nothing to me; I do not remember what I have done in the past. Then he told me that it was not myself as an individual. It was because of what I am I should be culled. Said my people had done horrible things once, that we would do them again.

I was about to tell him was not true. I have a choice. And then Colt did something incredibly stupid. He accepted my challenge for me. Colt would fight him. I tried to stop them, but they would not listen. Maggie said it is because I am a woman. What a stupid culture. What difference does my sex make!? So they fought, and he got Colt down in one hit. I stopped him from killing Colt, he had won after all. Colt is nothing but a stupid boy, what good would killing him do? But Colt, as much as I did not want it, is my champion. And he fell. My life is forfeit.

He felt the need to gloat a bit, but I was finished listening. I told him if he was going to kill me, to just fucking do it. He would have, the sword just missed my heart, but apparently I have a few more champions I was unaware of. Arthur got to him first, transformed in his werewolf form. He was what kept the sword from doing more damage than it did. Maggie and the other bodyguard were right behind him, and the Headmaster. They moved the fight away from Colt and me. I could not see them anymore when he shouted in that strange language, "This isn't over! You can't hide forever, demon!"  
I felt a strange chill when he said that. I can still hear him say it in my head. Demon... Is that what I am?

Arthur and the Headmaster came back, and we brought Colt inside. There is a stain of blood on the snow outside. Red in a patch of pure white. It would be beautiful if I could not hear him calling me demon every time I looked at it. Colt is doing better, and Arthur is also sleeping off his hurts. I have sat by Colt's bed all morning. This is my fault. My fault and his. If we were not both such fools... I would not be a dead woman. Because I am. My life belongs to him now. It is only a matter of time before he comes to claim it.  
I can hear Tori and Fil come in downstairs; they will be on their way up in a moment. I am so tired; I do not think I have been so exhausted before. They will watch Colt, and I can rest. I have not been able to rest in days. I am loosing my grip... How long before I fall?

October 26, 2007

**Descriptions**  
- Demon was initially a term for a spiritual force. It was not necessarily good or evil, just unexplainable.  
- The root word for demon in the Ur language is deiwos, which meant celestial or shining. I think it could possibly have been a term for God.  
- In Hebrew mythology there were two different types of demon. The first one was called Se'irim, who were satyr-like and quite evil. While I do not like the idea of assuming Allie is evil because of what she is, she fits the description quite well. Horned, hoved, humanoid beings with tails. The second types were called Shedim, and it was believed they could take several forms. They were not always evil, but were more likely to be responsible for possession.  
--- Possession was the ability to enter the minds of others, causing diseases or insanity, or just control their actions. I can do this. I have not figured out how yet, but I know I can. Is Drow a type of Shedim?  
- Many demons were also described with black skin, strangely colored eyes and hair.

**Origins**  
- The general consensus is that demons were the angels cast out with Satan when he fell from heaven.  
- Another belief is that some demons are angels who fell after the fall. They were cast out for falling in love and mating with mortal women. Could the offspring of such unions be the origin for races like mine?  
- There was one lesser believed idea that demons committed hubris by trying to be as gods, and were kicked out of heaven for it.  
--- Is heaven representative of some other place, or is it really described as in the Bible? He told me yesterday my kind is why we were here. Here instead of heaven?.. Or Eden? Do such places really exist? Or are they merely ideas? Or allegories?  
-There is a passage in the Bible which talks of God's enemies being cast into the abyss. Could that mean instead, cast into another world? Are we the enemies of God, and here to be punished? I could almost believe it.

**Purpose****  
**- The Christian view of demons is they are here to induce people to sin, and to torment through possession. The first one I am certainly not very interested in, but the second... Is that why I am here? And if I am a demon, how could I forget something like that?  
- There are however, many stories in other mythologies about demons that performed acts of good. So I do not think just because if what I am I will always do ill to others. I have a choice.  
-In studying the Inquisition, there seems to be much debate over demons having sex with humans, and the how's and the whys. It seems a bit silly really. They really put a lot of thought into it. I wonder if the poor bastards ever got any...

So it seems that if you take into account all definitions of demon thought up by humans, I am one. A fucking demon. This going to continue to make life interesting, I just know it.

October 27, 2007

I spent the past couple of days reading Paradise Lost. What an interesting read! Though it did get a bit boring at the end, the first half of it was quite wonderful. Many of the passages about Satan were very well written, and had some of the most interesting ideas I have heard. Quite a bit of the parts that I liked were themed around freedom. Now I know Satan is evil, but the way he described how it is to be free, what that means... I really liked it.

Surprisingly, I also liked the passages describing the creation of the world. They are some of the more beautiful poetry I have ever read. I could not, however, stomach pretty much all parts about humans. Milton was either never married, or his wife was a bitch. It seems he hated women. Everything said about women was quite derogatory. I was almost offended and I am not easily offended.

All in all, I am glad to have read it. I was hoping for some light to be shed on the whole fall from Eden thing Maggie mentioned, but there really was not anything there that answered any questions I have.

October 28, 2007

I dreamed last night. I have never dreamed before. It was a memory.

I was in a cave, a hole in the ground. I could smell blood; hear screams like you would hear in a dungeon. People being killed and tortured. There was something around my neck, but I at first I did not know what. There was a light above me, I looked up, and for a moment, I could see angels standing above me. Then the light blinded me. I looked back down, until my eyes got used to the dark again. Something tugged a little at my neck, and I felt to see what it was. I was wearing some kind of collar with a chain attached. I followed the chain and it lead to a person like Allie, a demon, who wore a bracelet with the chain attached to it. I actually woke screaming.

I did not expect this. I did not think when I found out about my past this is what I would learn. I do not want to learn more, but I must. Whoever it was who held my leash, they will come for me. It is only a matter of time. And I must be ready for it, either to fight them, or to flee. I do not think they will just let me go, let me try to be happy here. They will find me.

I cannot tell the others, they would not understand. And if I have to disappear, they will make it very hard. This could destroy them, as it could me. I cannot let them know yet. Because if I have to leave, and that demon comes for me, the less they know about me the better. I will have to pass through their lives as much like a shadow as I can, just as I always thought. I could not bear it if they got hurt because of me. I have already put them through too much.

October 29, 2007

So Fil's father can do magic like Ryan could. He actually knows quite a bit about other things. Quite an interesting man actually. I wonder where he came from. He came today to look at the floor in the hidden room and try to tell us what it means. For me, it is nothing good. The inner circle of the writing is very near to the markings covering my body. I brought Mr. Caspian a list of what my markings are and where, and he said it is a different dialect from the ones on the floor, but they mean the same thing.

They are meant to contain and control whatever is in the circle; we are assuming it is meant for one of the crystals like Estevan had. They ones on my body are also meant to control. I believe I am right; whoever put these marks on me will come for me. No one would mark their slave in this way if they did not mean to keep them. I must be cautious from now on. This could be very bad when it finds me.

Speaking of the crystals, Estevan's home was very nearly burned down this morning. We went to check on him, the gargoyles were inactive, and the library completely destroyed. We went down to the secret room, and the crystal is gone. We can only hope Estevan has it, and is alive and safe somewhere, but we do not know. There was also a robbery at the museum last night. Several things were taken from the magical creatures' exhibit. Wing is up to something. They are gathering things, eliminating enemies... I can only assume we will be a target soon. Either to collect or destroy. They will not take us without a fight. I will not be chained again, and I do not wish to die. They will find out jus who they are dealing with soon enough. We are getting Sora out of there soon. Whatever they are up to will have to go on without him. It is time to claim what is mine.

November 1, 2007

The night was a disaster. Colt had been watching Wing Tower the past couple of nights, so we knew going through the back would be best. With what information Tori could give us from when he was abducted, we could guess Sora was being kept in an underground level, and he was being kept in some kind of glass tube filled with purple stuff. Tori thought it was a liquid, but we had no way of knowing.

So we went through the back, and after taking out a couple of workers, were able to find stairs going to a lower level. It was there we found a tube, matching Tori's description, stretching from floor to ceiling. We knew Sora was in this tube, and I figured breaking it would be the best way to get to him. Tori tried hitting it with a sledgehammer, but it would not break. But I insisted, I really did feel it was the best way to find Sora. I am such a fool. So Tori found a forklift, and rammed it into the tube. A purple mist floated out of the tube, and Allie and Fil transformed and my markings started to glow. It cleared up a bit after a minute, and we were able to look into the tube.

Sora was at the bottom, but he looked really hurt. We sent Colt down on a rope to get him. He had gotten to Sora and was picking him up, when there was an ungodly howl. It was like one of the cries from my dream... All I could think about was getting out of there. I fled through double doors behind me, right into a security desk. I was so blinded by fear I do not remember my flight into the room beyond that one, or when my shoulder wound He gave me opened back up.

When I was finally able to calm myself, the others had taken care of the security, and my shirt was covered in blood from my shoulder. We were at a dead end for a moment, but it was not long before I noticed a seam in the wall that turned out to be a door. There was an elevator inside, and after fighting some strange skeleton robot, we went down to the next level.

Sora was no longer there, but there were a pair of very angry dogs, I can only assume the howling earlier had come from them. They were fairly easily dispatched, and then we set about the task of freeing the captives. There was a very large ugly man, a girl about our age; a young angel, a man with grayish skin and no hair, and a young man very much like Allie with horns and a tail! I cannot remember the figure from my dream clearly, it could be Sai. Tori knows him from his short time in the Tower and let him out, though I would not have done so. I suppose I can wait and see what happens, if I need to kill Sai I can do it anytime.

The gray skinned man was unusual. He seemed to know a bit more about what was going on than the others. When he saw me... the look he gave me was very strange, like he was trying to figure out if he recognized me. Plus, he could disappear and reappear elsewhere. He went off on his own... I have a feeling we have not seen the last of him.

We decided for the night, we could do nothing for Sora. I know Sora would have wanted us to help the people we had freed more than him, so we took them and left. However, once back at the Council Police house, we learned the consequences of our actions. When we broke the tube and the purple gas came out, it seeped through downtown. Several monsters were able to take their true form and were wreaking havoc downtown.

Maggie had agreed to meet us at the mansion when we had Sora to take him into hiding, but since we did not have him, I asked her to meet us at the house. I had told her on the phone about the angel boy, and when they arrived it was the other bodyguard who was the first in. He asked about the boy, and I took him upstairs to where our new friends were resting. He spoke a few words in a language I do not understand, but the boy did. He spoke back, and then took the guard's hand. I suppose if it did not creep me out, it would have been sweet. But that man really makes me uneasy. Still, it is nice to know I am helping people find where they belong. I could do that more often!

We spoke with Maggie a little, she was very angry about what we had done. She had to go help clean up our mess. She did not stay long, and we left soon after to do what we could. We did manage to find one very angry, winged monster, which we took down. But Tori got hurt very badly. I did not know what else to do, so we left. We had to get Tori to safety. So we went back to the council Police house.

We fucked up badly. We have had an amazing amount of luck so far, and thought we could rely on it. And Sora, and who knows how many other people paid the price. I thought I knew what I was doing, but I was wrong. I am such a fool, and no matter how hard I try, everything around me falls apart.

I suppose there is nothing for it now, except to make up for my mistakes. I have much to atone for.

November 2, 2007

I cannot do anything right. Even when I am trying to do the right thing. After Mass today I thought it might be a nice gesture to tell Father Giuseppe why Tori was not there. It seemed like a good idea at the time! Father Giuseppe is Tori's uncle. And I know with Tori's parents dead, Father G is really the one who looks after Tori. So I told him the bare minimum of last night's story, but he kept asking questions. I think he knew I was leaving something out. He pressed me so hard I finally admitted we were downtown fighting the monsters that had escaped Wing Tower. When he heard we had been in the quarantine zone, he decided they would have to take me to the hospital. All I could think was Wing had full access to anyone taken to the hospital during the quarantine. They know who I am, and if I ended up in the hospital, they would take me to the Tower, quite possibly putting me in a cage.

I will not be in chains or a cage again. I would die first. Just the memory of it fills me with a cold fear... I cannot stop shivering. I panicked, and in my fear I became quite incoherent. They tried to hold me there, but I would not be held. Even Fil, who is very strong, could not hold me in my terror. I think I may have hurt someone, and I feel terribly about it, but when Father Giuseppe threatened me with the possibility of captivity, there ceased to be anything that could keep me there.

So I fled. And I cannot go back. It was foolish. I should have let Tori call his uncle on his own; I guess that shows me for trying to do the right thing! The school was one of my only protections and I have fucked it up. After all the trouble I have caused, I do not know if they will let me go back. I keep fucking up, it is my own fault, and I cannot expect anyone to help. But what in the world will I do now?

November 6, 2007

Very early this morning, I cam back from the Lagoon to find a strange message from Colt. It told me, in horrible shorthand, to meet him at the Church of the Kind Hearted Soul. So I grabbed a taxi, still a little buzzed, and headed down to the church. The others had gotten there before me, and had time to see what had happened before I got there.  
It was very bad. I cannot remember seeing anything like it before. Everyone was dead. And they were killed horribly. There were people impaled on things, hanging from the ceiling, blood was everywhere... It was bad. But there was no sign of what could have done it.

There were a couple of survivors, young children who were hiding in the cellar, but they could tell us nothing. We put them in Colt's truck, and set out to find out what had happened. Sammo was able to find a trail, a very strange trail. There were footprints, but only one set, and a lot of random bloody junk following the footprints.

We followed the trail into the red light district, when a fender from a truck flew past us and into an alley. There was a crash, and a strange crunch, and Sammo, who had see exactly what had happened, turned and ran. But there was nothing there! We fought for a short time before I was finally able to see what we were fighting. It was wind. It was so strange, I was not sure if I had drunk something funny at the club or not. But it was what everyone else had seen as well. After a short fight, it blew away. I think we finished it off, but the whole thing was so odd. We really cannot be sure.

We took the children back to the Council Police house, and told Ms. Fellows what had happened. A lot of things are starting to make sense in a way I really do not like. There was Brogan's store getting burnt down, plus the theft at the museum, and Estevan's house. Now everyone in the Church is dead, except for three small children! Wing is up to something, getting ready for something big. We have to figure out what it is, and possibly stop it soon. We could be next.

I looked at the items Wing had stolen from the museum. One was a book, there were also a few pieces of some kind of armor, and a collar attached to a bracelet by a very long chain. It is the same one, or similar to what I had around my neck in my memory. And now Wing has it. In truth, I am terrified. What will happen when they figure out what it is for? Will they come for me, to put it back on me? The idea of being in chains again makes me want to scream. I will not go back to that, I would rather die. There was strange writing on the collar and bracelet, similar to what has been branded into my skin. I can only guess at what it means, perhaps something similar to what is on my body. But I have no way of knowing, I cannot read it.

Every instinct I have tells me as long as Wing has it; I need to get out of Boston. But I have no where else to go. And realistically, this is the only place I am safe. I am afraid... but I cannot abandon my friends. Especially not while Wing still has Sora. Everything is going quite badly at the moment. I have no idea how much longer our luck is going to last, how much longer we are going to survive.

November 10, 2007

De'Blade is a bit of an idiot. I go to his club, drink his alcohol, dance to his music and go home with his patrons, but I have no respect or liking for the man. He seems to think I have some kind of hidden agenda, when he is the criminal and obviously up to something. He certainly seems to have earned whatever ire anyone feels towards him. I would only mourn the possibility of The Lagoon closing if someone were to finally achieve the goal of ending his life.

He had me brought to him tonight at the Lagoon (brought to him as if I were one of his stupid lackeys!), to grill me on why Wing was sending assassins looking for me after him. Hell if I know! I do not understand how a fucking vampire's mind works! And I told him as much! But of course, he assumed I was not telling the truth, or was leaving something out, which I have no reason to do.

Then he brought out the assassin, who took one look at me, and... Turned into the demon woman who was holding the chain in my memory. I think the bastard did it on purpose, to see what I fear the most. Well, now he knows, for whatever use it is to him. He then tried again to get me to tell him why Wing would go through him to get to me, but I told him everything I know. And that is I do not know why. I have never given anyone a reason to believe I care about what happens to De'Blade.

However, something interesting happened then. One of his bouncers fell over dead, a dagger and a note sticking out of his body. The note simply said "You work for me now " and was signed S. Very interesting... Who is this S? But it seemed, for the night, it was not mine to find out. Unless it was him, the man with grey skin we let out of Wing Tower, who did not accept our help. I saw him at the club before I left, standing in the shadows. I thought about speaking with him, to see if he was making it alright. But if it were him who sent that note, I would say he is not doing to bad. Seemed to be the kind who could look out for himself anyway. Was a strange night, but my month has been full of those. I have a feeling it is not over.

November 12, 2007

I have been allowed to go back to school. All I had to do was write a letter of apology to Father McCarty, whom I hurt pretty badly in my flight from the church last week. It really was sincere, I feel quite badly about the whole thing. I did not mean to hurt anyone, but I was in a panic. But that was just to begin with. Aside from last week, I have missed a lot of school, and am so far behind I do not know if I can catch up. I have been doing homework near constantly for the past two days. Also, if I cannot keep my grades up, I will be expelled.

To top all this off, I have been given a couple months of Sunday school and religious service. I have no idea what that is going to mean, but since the Reverend Mother is in charge of my punishment, I do not believe it will be pleasant. I start this Sunday.  
I am very glad to have been given a second chance. It is one worry erased from my mind. It certainly is not going to be easy... I have a book report, two history papers, three chapters of math and science, computer vocabulary, and enough chapters of the Old Testament I will be oozing dogma for the next week, and a speech on the subject of my choice to write. Not to mention four tests I need to schedule time after school to take. It is very good for me I only need four hours of rest a night!

November 18, 2007

I have been having terrible dreams when I sleep. They are not memories, of that I am certain. Just, fears, I believe, but I have been having a hard time sleeping. I ought to not try to sleep anymore, but if I have been drinking it can be very hard to stay up. I should cut back on that too.

No, the dreams are expanding on my memory, adding new faces, new terrors... I feel cold just thinking about it. I have seen my friends' dead by my own hands and against my will. I have been killed by countless angels. Tortured by things I cannot see... One was very strange, where my friends handed me over to the angels, who did not kill me, just shouted at me. It was terrifying, worse than if they had just slain me and gotten it over with. One particularly bad one was when Allie and Sai gave me back to the one with my chain. And they just stood there and let her put it back on me and played with each other.  
I know they are just dreams. But I feel in such a terror of sleep I do not know if I will ever do it again. I am glad of one thing; however, I have not woken up screaming once. It would be humiliating for the others to know what is haunting me. Of all things I cannot let them see my weakness: I am afraid.

November 19, 2007

Fil's father is quite a crafty bastard. The two of us have been going through clues he left her in books in their library for the better part of an afternoon. I suppose if he was worried about anyone else finding the book we found in the end, the wild goose chase would make sense. Really for what we found at the end, it was worth it!

We think Fil might be related to dragons somehow. What she was had been a puzzle until now, but one of the clues Caspian left points to it. I cannot really tell if Fil is very happy to know what she is, however, she is being a bit apathetic. The book we found in the end is written in the same language written on the collar the Wing stole from the museum! I cannot read it, but we also found a code translating the letters into English letters.

The only bad thing is it is still in a language I cannot read. And I am not sure if Fil can read it, because she is taking a nap! I really do not understand her. Here are answers she needs, and she does not care. I am a bit disappointed. Neither she nor Allie seems to realize how important the past is. I will have to make her understand later, for now we have to get back to the Council Police house. Tori is throwing a party, and he gave me the impression he would never forgive me if we were late.

November 20, 2007

Tori really knows how to throw a party. He should however, be more wary about uninvited guests. Wing showed up. Not Atherton personally, but several robots and one ugly demon. Plus, this time the robots had flame throwers. We made Fil leave with Elise, Sai and Vince knowing she could protect them. The rest took care of the robots, while Colt and I had the demon. The two of us really are becoming very good at fighting as a team. I still despair of him ever learning how to listen to me before charging in to fight, but he has been getting a little better. We beat the demon down, but were careful not to kill him. We wanted him to talk.

Sammo got burned very badly, so we had to call an ambulance for him. Tori waited outside with Sammo while we interrogated the demon. If you could even call it an interrogation; bullied then killed is more appropriate. While he did not shed any light on what Wing wanted with us, he did say something very interesting to me. First, he called me a treacherous wench. Treacherous? A traitor to what, demons? No demon except Allie has ever given me a reason to ally with them in order for me to be a traitor to them. Then, after a bit more questioning, he told me, "I would love to stick my blade in you". I said I am sure you would, and he continued, "I bet you squeal like your sisters". I lost my patience then and had Colt kill him (demons explode when they die, by the way).

I am curious as to what he meant when he said sisters. Did he mean actual blood relatives? He did not seem to recognize me in any way, so I do not think he was actually referring to any actual family I might have. I think he was talking about other members of my race. Other Drow. But why did he mention sisters specifically? Has he only killed female Drow? Or are females the only ones that really matter? Perhaps he only mentioned sisters because I am a woman, and if I were male he would have said brothers. This is probably most likely, and I am reading into it too much, as usual. I suppose "sticking his blade in me" could also have referred to rape and this is why he mentioned females specifically. That idea is a bit more horrifying than others and with this in mind, I am glad we killed him. I would hate to miss a chance for revenge on someone who deserves it.

I do wonder why Wing wanted us brought to him. I would have thought by now, with all the trouble we have caused, he would just have us killed. But they only wanted to take us to the tower. Maybe we should go, and find out what he wants...

Someone is buzzing the gate and being really obnoxious about it. Probably Colt back from his father's. He really needs to calm down sometimes, not everything is a matter of life or death.

November 21, 2007

It is finished. We can be at peace for the first time in over a month. Wing is beaten back for now and Sora returned to us.

The bell yesterday was not Colt. When I went to answer, there was no one on the other side. I knew then Wing was trying again. I made Vince take Elise and hide in the hidden room, then Allie and I, who were the only others there, went to face whatever was coming.

I had decided to make it easier on all of us, and just agree to go, but they still felt the need to bind us. Then they went looking for the others, not believing we were the only ones there. They found Vince and Elise, and insisted we wait for the others to arrive, confident Colt, Fil, and Tori would show up. He was not wrong. My friends are fools. Tori was soon brought in bound, and Colt was not far behind. That idiot brought his father! Luckily, Tori made Fil stay away, so she was spared the evening's entertainments. After we were all there, we were taken to Wing Tower. All the way up to where Atherton lived. We were tied to some strange structure in the middle of the room, right in front of a large tube filled with purple gas where Sora was floating! They had even taken Sammo out of the hospital, though he looked a lot better.

I got my first actual look at Atherton Wing. He is quite handsome for a vampire, and seems to get pretty much anyone he talks to under his thumb through charm or threats. He let Sora out of the tube, and told him to choose whether we lived or died. I am not sure, but I think Sora was conflicted. He seemed to want to trust Wing, but kept saying we were his friends. I told Sora simply it was his choice, I trusted him to make the choice that was right to him. That was all that mattered to me.

Then he looked up at Atherton and saw something to help him make up his mind. Sora told me Wing had a gun, and looked as though he planned on using it. Sora told us his choice, which was to be with us, and Wing began ranting. Then, the room went dark. Everything was chaos for a time. Wing ordered us all killed, even Sora. The contraption we were tied to was turned on. I could hear the others shouting and fighting, and getting free of their bonds. But I could not see a thing.

Finally, Sora was able to find me and untie me. The darkness ended almost right in front of me, and when I stepped out of it, I practically tripped on a sword. And, of all things, the machine we were tied to was used to open a weird portal and call a monster I assume was a hydra. I called the sword to me, and began to fight.

I have been noticing a theme with myself. I go down too easy. I need to rethink my fighting strategy. A few bites from the hydra and I was out. When I came to, it was over. Atherton was gone; he had been knocked into the portal the hydra had come through. We lost Sammo, who fell through the portal as well. He was hurt pretty badly, if the portal did not kill him, he is probably dead.

Baring that tragedy, I am very relieved it is finally over. We will not have to worry about Wing again. We can move on. And Sora is back. I can barely express the relief I feel at this. Everything was wrong while he was gone. I hope life can be what it should be now.  
However, Arthur and Mr. Brogan have disappeared. We do not know where they are, we lost track of them the night at the Council Police house. I hope they are safe, wherever they are.

Now life can go back to normal. We can be students and teenagers again, without struggling against Wing. Things can be as they were.


	5. A Little Quiet

November 30, 2007

Many things have happened since the night at Wing Tower two weeks ago. Normal, quiet things. Allie turned eighteen and has moved into the mansion with us. She took Ryan's old room, which she and Sora have already started to re-decorate. Actually, Vince, Elise and Sai are living with us as well. It is a very interesting arrangement. Vince and Sai are both sleeping in the living room. I do not like it very much, but we have no where else to put them. Elise is sleeping with Sora. I do not like this very much either, but there is nothing I can do about it.

We have all started going back to school regularly. Well, those of us who went to school, anyway. Except for Colt, who is going into the military. Maybe we should give his room to Vince and Sai...

It seems as though life will become normal. I really could use the break from looking over my shoulder constantly. And I can catch up in school. I am so far behind!

January 1, 2008

Christmas break has been very interesting. Really, the whole month has been, humans have the strangest customs! I can understand holidays, the need for them and so forth, but some of the reasons and ways they celebrate these holidays are a little pointless. Trees and gifts and lights everywhere to celebrate the birth of Christ? It is a bit silly. Silly, but in all honesty, I enjoyed it. Sora brought us all together and made a huge deal about decorating the tree, but it was fun. Julian and Sade came over and showed us how to mull wine. Vince, Sai and I got really drunk and kept knocking over the tree. It was foolish, but in the kind of way that is not so embarrassing. It was fun. And I do not really have fun very often. It is just something not inside of me, so it is kind of nice when it happens.

Sora went a little crazy decorating the house. He made Colt and Mr. Kinsley climb up on the roof and hang lights up. It was pretty, but I do not really understand the purpose of it. But I guess it is Sora's favorite time of year. Personally, I think having a favorite time of year is a little pointless, but since it was important to him I kept my mouth shut.

Even Christmas morning was fun. Colt was back for the weekend, so he, Tori and Fil joined us in the afternoon to exchange gifts. Of course, by then Vince, Sai and I were well into our cups, but it was a good time. Sora made me a very beautiful corset and skirt to wear at the club, Allie gave me a hard back copy of Grimm's Fairytales, Vince and Sai both gave me new jewelry for my belly button (though I think Sai stole the little slave ring he gave me...), Colt gave me a pretty silk scarf and matching gloves, Tori got me a really nice case for my new camera, and Fil gave me a copy of Dune, which I have been wanting to read. It is strange having friends who really care about me. It still feels new, like I never have before. It is oddly touching.

I could only afford to get small things for everyone, but since gifts seemed important, and really it was nice to receive them, I did it anyway. They all seemed quite pleased, even though they were small things. It was nice to have the effort I went through appreciated. I wonder sometimes what the hell I went through on the other side. What did I go through that makes these feelings of kindness and trust and calm feel like they are new and unusual? I am glad to have them now, but it just makes me curious. What happened to me?

January 13, 2008

Sora joined me in the Crystal Room this morning as I was setting up my dark room. When he stepped inside, the writing on either side on his arms began to glow blue. And he could decipher a little of it. He told me it reminded him of a story Sai had told him. Sai can remember! He did not loose his memory like everyone else from the other place I have met.

After lunch, I found Sai in the library. He has been spending time in there lately, reading old encyclopedias. He was fairly reluctant to tell me anything about where we came from, said it might be better that I do not know. I had a hard time accepting this, and insisted until he told me at least a little. The place I remember being in, he said was probably a city called Shadovar. He said my kind is mostly in charge, with few exceptions. One of those exceptions is a people called Shade. He identified the bald man we released from Wing Tower as a Shade. Now I am glad he left, and understand a little why he was unwilling to accept what help we would have given him. The Shade, along with Sai's and my kind are at war with the Engel. I think the men who I had previously regarded as Maggie's bodyguards are Engel.

I told Sai about my markings and the collar I can remember wearing. He said he did not know what they meant, but he had a good guess. The Engel are incredibly hard to fight and travel in numbers, so the Shade are constantly trying to find new ways to fight them. Sai thinks I may have been used as a weapon against the Engel. Maybe that is why He hated me so badly right away. Maybe He remembers. The markings on my body symbolize binding or control. They may be there to keep me from turning on the Shade. I pray I never find out.

Aside from all that, Sai was reluctant to talk about it. It was a brutal world; his life must have been a nightmare. He thinks I should move on. And he is right. I should move on. But it is difficult to accept. I feel like there is something missing inside me, like I am empty without a past. It is important to know. But my soul shies away from knowing, as much as my head tells me to press on. I will not go back, ever, so why is it so important that I know? I know what faces to look out for now, but those are in another world. Their presence may never be felt in this one, and if they are, the world is quite large. I am free, so I should live free. I can choose a new way to live... Without suspicion and hatred and fear. It is my choice now, they cannot control me anymore. Then why is it so hard? I know the path I wish to follow, why is it so hard to take the first step?

February 14, 2008

Today is another incomprehensible human holiday called Valentines Day. It is supposed to be a holiday celebrating love and romance. I do not understand. If love is supposed to be as important as everyone says, why does it need a holiday? Does it not transcend petty things like that?

Anyway, Sai and I are the only ones home tonight. Colt is doing some training exercise. I think this is code for "at my Dad's playing X-Box". Vince and Allie are off doing something. Probably switching street signs in the suburbs or something equally juvenile. They have had a thing going for months now. Why they do not make it official is beyond me. In fact, I am surprised Sai is not out with them. They usually take him along on their "dates".

Truly, I have been considering for the past hour going downstairs and asking him if he wants to fuck me, but it would probably add a strange element to our already strange living situation. Considering already one half of our home is fucking or considering fucking the other. And I do not feel the need to add to that at the moment, as bored as I might be. But I am bored, and getting laid just sounds like the thing to do.

Sora took Elise out for a date tonight. Elise of all people! What he sees in her I do not understand. I mean, she is pretty, but I do not think she knows how to think at all. She follows Sora around like a pet, and he lets her! In fact, he encourages it! She is just so helpless, and it is really because he coddles her. She ought to be learning how to live for herself, but until Sora gets over his need to protect the defenseless female, she never will. They sleep together, they must be fucking. I suppose I should not be so upset. He should do what makes him happy. That is really all that matters. It is none of my business who he spends his time with.

I think I am going out tonight. Maybe Max is free this evening...

March 3, 2008

Today I was assigned Sunday school for the second time since January. I will be required to be there every Sunday until May starts. This time, the Reverend Mother caught me reading Marquis de Sade during lunch. Oh, she made a very public deal about it too. Now everyone at school knows I have Sunday school for reading blasphemous pornography, though, a couple of the boys I have Sunday school with apparently think it's cool. Not cool enough to talk to me more than saying they admire my spirit, however.

I really had no idea it was banned. In fact, I did not even like the stupid book! But, there it is, Sunday school. I just got out of Sunday school! They really ought to make it more clear what books are not allowed in school. I can understand why I got in trouble for the Nietczhe, with a title like The Anti-Christ, I should have known better. But de Sade? I had no idea! Some higher power somewhere is laughing at my failed attempts at good behavior. It feels at times, that just because of what I am, the whole world is desperate to see me fail... I will not comply.

May 27, 2008

School is almost out for the summer. Now I have one more year until I can graduate and will be free from high school. I will be so happy when it is over. I am grateful for all the school has done for me, but I am ready to be on own. Of course, I am not planning on leaving Boston even then, but I think I would like to have my own place. I have been thinking a little about what I will do after school. I think I might try to go into journalism. It might be nice to get to travel and write and take pictures of what I see. I have been enjoying photography, and I might like to do it for a living.

Allie's graduation was on Tuesday, and I just got back from Fil's. This is a ceremony I can understand. It is an appropriate recognition for an achievement. It did seem like most of the graduate's had no understanding of the importance of a right of passage, but I suppose nothing much can be expected from a group of spoiled, selfish children. I think Allie understood. She's going to college this fall, though she will continue to live with us. I am moving out the first chance I get! I do like living here, but it is too crowded. The only privacy I can get is in my own room. I forgot to lock the bathroom door yesterday, and Vince walked in on me getting out of the shower. I nearly killed him, I was so surprised.

Maybe with school ending things will start to pick up. I have been feeling quite restless lately. It is as though there are things we should be doing, though I do not know what they might be. I hope we find out soon, or I shall go mad with boredom.


	6. Writing on the Wall

June 6, 2008

We have finally gotten word from the Council Police, aside from miraculously getting our paychecks every month. A glyph came in the mail today, and after we installed it into the living room, we called Ms. Fellows. They have a job for us! Finally!

When Wing Corporation went under after we got rid of Atherton, the company split into several smaller companies. These companies have much of Wing's research, like how to build all the various robots, but they cannot power it with out Sora or the crystals. There are a total of five crystals, and we have two of them. The Council Police want us to find the other three and collect them, before those other companies can get their hands on them

I am ready to work again. It has been too long since I have felt useful. And getting all these stones together may be very important. They might belong together. If that is the case, then they also belong to Sora. It seems this is very important.

June 8, 2008

Yesterday Fain arrived. He is supposed to be helping us figure out where the crystals are. He is very large, should be useful in a fight. I am not quite sure what to think of him yet, but time will tell. Sora is a bit freaked out about him, claims he is hairy and has fangs. I do not see it, but I will keep an eye out. I do not think Sora would act like that without reason.

After Mass, Tori came to me with an interesting problem. Apparently, De' Blade's business is starting to downscale. His criminal business, that is. Tori happened to be quite curious, so I agreed to meet him at the Lagoon to see if we could glean any information about what was going on. Sora ended up coming with me. Actually, pretty much everyone ended up there. Somehow Vince, who has been banned from the Lagoon, was able to finagle his way in, along with Allie and Sai. Fain ended up there as well. It was a strange evening. The club was quiet, even for a Sunday. There was a tension in the air that I cannot really explain. I have not been able to talk to Tori yet, but I was not able to find anything out at the Lagoon. I did buy Sora his first drink, of many, and introduced him to Max; who really seemed to like Sora.

We also met a very beautiful, very interesting woman called Lei Xiu. Wow, was she hot! I was really quite tempted to go home with her, but she ended up taking us somewhere else... We all hung out at a table, and Tori spent so much money! He spent enough money that De'Blade felt the need to sit with us for a drink. I do not know yet what Tori was able to decipher from the conversation, but we were invited to lunch at the Spider's Web, so something must be going on. Considering De'Blade has not shown an interest in us before, I am inclined to be suspicious.

I do not remember exactly how it happened, but someone mentioned after parties and Lei Xiu happened to know where one was. So we got into Vince's limo (I did NOT ask), and ended up in the red light district. At the sight of the Silver Lining, I was glad Sora had gone home with Max. He would not have survived the experience the same person. It was a hookah bar, and the party was, well, very sexual. Sai, Allie and Vince decided it was not the thing for them and went home (When I got home, Vince and Allie were having sex, it is about time!). I would have been inclined to stay, even if it were not for whom I saw when we got there. The Shade we had let out of Wing Tower was sitting like a king in a room behind a sheer curtain. Lei Xui disappeared behind the curtain, and I did not see her again for the rest of the night.

But I was able to find out a little about Shale. He took ownership of the Silver Lining not too long ago. And apparently he is the person to go to if you need anything. If you can get him to talk to you, that is. I left soon after Shale and his entourage did, mostly because my curiosity had been sated. But I do not need anything, from him at least, so I will not be going back to that place. It is better I not have anything to do with a Shade. What if he remembers? I may not be safe. I think if I keep my distance, I can stay under his radar. He is unlikely to remember me anyway; it was a confusing night when we rescued him.

Ah, I am a fool. I can try to convince myself otherwise, but I know in my heart Shale is part of my destiny. I can only put off finding out what part he will play.

June 12, 2008

**Notes from the Crystal Room- St. Steven's Mansion**

Internal ring- Binding, similar the markings on my body.

External Ring- Amplification, guidance, direction

Floor- There were Engel, enforcing divine right. Using their gift to bring "light and order" to the world. Their Ivory Tower reached the sky, their cities guarded by mother of pearl gates. They gathered the lesser peoples near to them and kept them safe.

Gifts? I am not sure what is meant by this, and the rest of the story is vague on the subject. I am also unsure what is meant by lesser people. Humans? I would not have really imagined humans in that place. But they do seem to be, well, everywhere.

Ceiling- When they knew the end was near, the Ancients came together and built a city to live. Lesser creations could come for guidance as they ruled the world. They asked the most influential to build their own council, or tower to the city. Each tower had their own gate, so representatives could come into the city for council.

I am not sure who or what these ancients are, Sora also referred to them as, the Creators. Gods then? I am sure to them one word for it is as good as the other. Once again a reference to lesser creations. I suppose any creation is lesser to a god.

North Wall- There were those who believed they could change to become like the Creators. They made their city to the East. Shadovar was a city of decadence and torment. They used their gift to alter the world to their liking. They did not get along with the Engel.

This is what Sai told me about. Shadovar. The very little I remember is something I wish I did not. But at the same time, I do not understand how someone could be able to change, and would not want to. What I would not give to be almost anything else. Or at least to be trusted...

South Wall- There were those who wanted to watch creation, and were allowed to create their own tower. Their patience led them to higher understanding. Their favor was vied for among the other races, due to their knowledge and understanding. But because they would not take sides they had no allies.

East Wall- The third creation was given length of sight and knowledge to chronicle the Ancient's creation. They were able to predict the future, and were the lore keepers and protectors of truth. Their gift from the creators was the power to call upon the past, and to use the power of the ancients to keep their records from fading. During the war, however, no one headed their warnings. The war was taken to the Path of Angels, and the Keepers could do nothing as the last of the Ancients were cast aside.

This is the only mention of specific Gifts. Also I am curious; if the Engel were set on protecting divine right and everyone in their place, how could they have let the Ancients get cast aside? It would be my understanding that the Creators right to create is what the Engel would be trying to protect. Did they fail? Do the Shade rule that world now?

West Wall- The first of the new order was Vestorimin. He was as great in mind as he was in body, created as an enormous winged dragon. He was created with everything that was to come in future races, so that he could give the Ancients advice on the creations. He acted as a kind of mediator. His kind spread to the ocean and founded Caspian Falls. Being the first of the races they were not as defined and as they spread from Vestorimin they became less like him. He spent most of his years at the side of the Ancients, as a sort of pet. His descendants had a lust for life and adventure that got them into trouble, but provided an example to the other races. When the war came, Vestorimin allied with the Engel to stop the spread of chaos. Shadovar sent an army to Caspian Falls. Vestorimin and his descendants fought the Shade and their armies. At the height of the battle, Vestorimin was stopped from assisting as his people were crushed.

I am convinced that Filaine is a descendant of Vestorimin. It makes sense. When we were on the scavenger hunt her father sent her on, one of the clues mentioned Yggdrasil and the Nidhogg who consumes. It said that Fil and her family were of those people. So Fil is part dragon. It makes sense. I feel a sense of dread regarding this part of the story. The Shade destroyed Caspian Falls, and my people were part of their armies. How did they manage to stop Vestorimin from helping his people? I fear the answer. But I keep thinking about it.  
This is all just another clue. And where the crystals fit into this, I do not know. Perhaps we should go to Estevan's old house and see if the stories match. The pieces are all coming together, but I fear the outcome will not be what I would wish it to be.

June 13, 2008

It has been one of those frustrating kind of days. To start Tori, Sora and I went to the Spider's Web and had lunch with De'Blade. Apparently his business has been suffering, and he wanted to ask Tori to help him. He showed Tori the note from "S" he got six months ago, and told him "S" has demanded tribute from De'Blade and has been threatening his life. As if death threats were something new for that fool. It seems as though Shale is going to be affecting my life sooner than I thought. And I was not very careful in hiding my dismay.

On our way out, Tori confronted me about hiding what I knew. When I refused to tell him anything, he threatened me! My first thought was I ought to cut out his tongue for speaking to me like that. But I realized he is scared, and decided not to say anything that would hurt our friendship. I did tell him what I knew about Shade and Shadovar. I did not tell him what I think my role in the war may have been, though I did show him my markings and told him Shade had done that to me. He promised to keep our household out of whatever happens with his family, De'Blade and Shale; and while I accepted his offer, I know that if Shale decides to involve us there is nothing we can do. We agreed the others should not know, for now.

Of course, Sora did not like this at all. When I came back in the house after my conversation with Tori, Sora was quite upset. He knows something is going on, and is angry about left out. I can understand, but it is better he does not know. I told him this, but apparently he did not understand. Then he made some snap assumptions about Tori and me. I told him even if Tori and I were fucking, it was none of his business. It is not; I do not know who he thinks he is. Sora is not my only friend, he needs to understand that and stop judging my actions. I am not Elise; I will not blindly do what he says all the time. I can understand if and when he might be concerned, but he had better stop trying to control me by trying to make me feel guilty. I do not appreciate it.

June 14, 2008

Tori's fears about Shale turned out to be justified; he has moved on Tori's family. Yesterday there was a skinned body left hanging in his uncle's strip club, with a note from Shale, "You work for me now". So today Tori stopped working for his uncle. I went over to the strip club when he left, mostly to make sure he was not attacked when he left. Apparently this was the right thing to do, he seemed really appreciative I cared that much. It is strange to get that kind of reaction to my actions; instead of assuming I wanted something, he bought me lunch!

I was also able to clear things up with Sora, though I had to shout and threaten him to get him to talk to me. He said he was worried about loosing me; with all that has happened, he would not deal with it very well. He also feels a little sore about being left out of the planning Tori and I have been doing. I told him our reason; basically Tori and I are willing to do what is necessary, and sometimes what is necessary will destroy what you are. Well, I have nothing left to destroy, and Tori is close enough to that state, so we are the best candidates for doing what is necessary. He just has to trust me. We cleared up Tori and I are not sleeping together, and Sora means more to me than any of the others ever will. This seemed to satisfy him, though I still feel like something is unresolved. I decided to let it go until another time.

Ally found out the Myth and Monsters exhibit moved to Marseilles, France. And there was a robbery. The item stolen was a pinkish crystal, donated to the exhibit by a Monsieur Estevan. There are no coincidences: We have our first lead. Tori is going to contact Fil and see if she knows or can find out anything, since she happens to be on the French coast with her parents right now. So we may be going to France.

I am going to the Lagoon tonight, and perhaps I will hear more about Shale. Last night I talked to several people for whom Shale is the cat's meow. I sense someone playing an interesting rumor campaign. No one has met him, nor been to the Silver Lining; yet all are wild to do so. I refrained from mentioning I had been there, and released the man from captivity. Going to France just sounds better and better.

June 15, 2008

Fil called Tori this morning. We are going to France. After talking to Fil and she invited us to visit her, we called Ms. Fellows and told her about the connection we made to the museum in Marseilles. So the Council Police are sending us to France to investigate. This could not have come at a better time. I have been feeling trapped in Boston lately, it will be nice to get out. This will be the first time I have been out of Boston I can remember. Not to mention out of the country! I am looking forward to being in a new place for a while; Boston is feeling like a cage. I hate cages.

Also, it will be an excellent way to keep away from Shale. I think if we stay in Boston we would end up getting drawn into what is going on. And I think we could do without that. It is not going to go away, but I want to put off that resolution as long as I can. I like my freedom, and I am afraid of what will happen to it after I get involved in any way with Shale. If he knows what I am... It could mean the end of peace for me.

So tomorrow we will be receiving a box to ship our weapons to France in, and after we will be getting on a plane ourselves. This should be interesting and I am really looking forward to it.


	7. Crystal Thieves

June 17, 2008

Airplanes are not as great as they seem. It was cramped, stuffy and boring. And I could not drink, my ID only says eighteen. Plus, Ryan was very ill the whole time, which was unpleasant. After most of the day, we arrived in Marseilles, which really is not as nice as the travel brochures make it out to be. The hotel is quite horrible. But I am sure I have been in worse places, so I will live.

Jacques is our liaison here. He is, well, I cannot really think of anything to say about him, except he is a bit of an ass. He has been mildly helpful, however, in providing us with a couple of Interpol badges we put to use tonight.

After resting most of the day, we went to the museum. Tori, Sora and Fain had the badges, while the rest of us assumed the roles of civilian consultants. They still have the museum closed off, but we were able to get in with little problems. The place was still a mess. Three displays had been destroyed, including the one which had held the crystal. Colt and Fain checked the roof where the burglar had come in from. Tori went to watch the security footage, which did not tell him very much.

I tried talking to the curators and investigators, but they were assholes and unwilling to cooperate. As I was searching the room, however, I found something very interesting. In the center of the room sat what was labeled as a sacrificial altar. It said sacrifices were made, and whoever did the sacrifice could control whatever was summoned. There was a dirt trail leading from the bowl of the altar to the middle of the room. The collar and chain was also there, but it was in an unbroken case. I had been hoping to be able to deal with it while I was there, but it looks like it will have to wait.

We were eventually left alone in the room, and at a bit of an impasse. I started thinking whatever had been called from the altar could be called again. I thought it might be able to tell us more about what happened. And as is my habit I acted without really thinking. I cut myself and let the blood drip onto the bowl. Nothing happened at first, but after Sora worked a bit of his magic, the bowl began to shimmer. What I called was not sentient, nor able to be controlled. It was... Well it was really gross. We had to put it down, since I believe it was trying to eat us.

I tried using my powers to hold it, but they did not seem to work very well. I think I may need more control. I am so close to really being able to use the things I can do. And I feel on the verge of discovering more. I just need to focus! Sora also acted without thinking; he broke a case holding weapons so we could use them. Doing so alerted the local police to a theft in the museum. I would have tried to talk our way out of it, but the others ran so I had to follow.

I am a little worried. There were way too many witnesses, and our presence was caught on several security cameras. The others do not seem to realize this could end badly if we are caught. It would not be very hard, especially since my looks are very unique. And if anyone sees my image who knows what they are looking at... But I forget sometimes I am pretty much working with children. They could not understand.

June 18, 2008

I find myself getting more reckless recently, and though today's actions have proved positive, my luck cannot last much longer. We have the third crystal. But we may be loosing an ally to get it, which could prove disastrous in the future. We learned early this afternoon one of our suspects for the museum robbery is Fil's father. We decided to speak with him to see what he knew, and headed to the Caspian Villa. However, while Fil was there, her father was not. This is where things got dangerous. Tori decided we should search his study. If we had not learned what we did from doing so, I would really regret it.

Caspian is, as I had suspected, a very interesting man. His whole study is littered with traps. Tori set one off that nearly lit his desk on fire! I found a hidden compartment in a fireplace full of oddities. There was a crystal ball with the whereabouts of his wife, among other things. It was also set with traps. After negotiating the desk for an hour, Tori was able to get the information we needed. Mr. Caspian had written a check out to a woman who met the description of the thief, and was meeting her in a cafe this afternoon. We left for the cafe.

We arrived just minutes before Lola; the woman we suspected was the thief. We stayed back and watched their short exchange and I noticed something. She had markings on her legs similar to the markings Sora has. I knew then she had the crystal inside her.  
She left Caspian, and I prodded Colt into going after her. He said something I did not hear, and she started to run. We started to chase, but not before Caspian saw, and recognized me. We really have a lot of explaining to do!

She eventually ended up on top of one of the buildings, where Tori followed her up. He chased her to the next rooftop, where she was about to jump, but something strange happened. The crystal in her leg shot out of it, causing her to fall. Luckily, Colt was able to catch her, and Tori grabbed the crystal before it was lost. However, before he climbed down, Tori saw a figure in a trench coat hovering over a building not too far away. None of us can make much sense of it, but I have a feeling it had something to do with what happened to Lola.

We took her to the Council Police headquarters, and put her in the empty weapon locker. After questioning her for a short time, I came to the conclusion that she knew nothing and could do little harm to our search, and we let her go. She wanted to keep the crystal for herself anyway, so even if she does get to the others before we do, I do not think it will be any worse than Sora having them.

So, now there are only two crystals left out there. We will go to the Caspian Villa tomorrow to explain what happened. I hope he does not insist on us giving him the crystal, because we will tell him no. But he does deserve to know why we broke into his study, so we will at least do that.

Also, Colt believes one of the ooze things we fought at the museum got away into the sewer. He wants to search for it, and put it down before it causes any problems. The crystals are more important; however this is something we should take care of before we leave Marseilles. So we may also be taking care of that in the morning.

Being out of Boston is not at all like I had hoped. I feel incredibly vulnerable, and unsteady. It may just be the situation; we do not know who the enemies are out here. In truth, I guess we do not know who the enemies are at all. Even Shale as an enemy is questionable. I do not even know if we are important enough for him to notice. We are not really power players in anything really. And maybe that is what is important to him. I wish I knew.

I have been trying to keep my mind as busy as possible. It seems as though whenever I have a spare moment, I keep thinking about him. I cannot control my thoughts at all, I keep thinking about... I cannot even write it down, it makes it too real. I cannot get involved, it could be too dangerous. It could destroy everything I have struggled to be. But I still find myself wanting... Damn it, I want him. I should not deny it or try to hide from my feelings, dangerous though they may be. There is just something irresistible about that kind of power... The kind of man you do not say no to. Something irresistibly hot. But while I should own my own desires, this is not one I can pursue. If he remembers anything... it could be too dangerous. However, if he were to come to me, I do not think I could deny him. Danger or no, I fear I would give in.

June 19, 2008

Last night, since Sora was asleep when we got back to the hotel, I held the crystal s I rested. I woke to a cramp in my hand, and a room full of Tas mist. I had absorbed the crystal as I lay lost in thought. I had thought before only Sora or others like him could absorb the crystal, or command it to do so, but I was wrong. When I asked Sora to help me fix it, it shot out of my palm, leaving a scar; a lot like what happened to Lola. Another for my collection, I suppose.

We went into the sewer under the museum, but it turned out to be disastrous, and a complete waste of time. Colt had no proof, and thought the thing went into the sewer on a hunch. But we only wasted two or three hours, and I learned something about security cameras. This would be to look for them wherever we go.

We decided to wash up before we went to see Caspian, and as we were at the hotel. Lola showed up. She was in a complete panic, apparently her identity had disappeared. Probably because Caspian believed she sill had the crystal. She insisted we give her the crystal to give back to Caspian. When we refused, she insisted on going with us to his villa. We could not really refuse without trouble, so along she came.

It almost went very badly. I was expecting trouble, but not as much as we nearly got. Caspian did not react very well to what we initially had to say; which was we had the crystal and were not going to let anyone else have it. Plus, I do not think Colt understood that we were not there to pick a fight, we were there to share information and apologize for nearly burning down his study. He really needs to start listening, and not always try to solve our problems with violence. I should have another talk with him, things worked out really well after our last one.

We were finally able to work the conversation around to Tas and the use of the crystals. I offered to get Tas stored to give to him. Caspian warmed up to this idea, and asked if we wanted to see what he would do with it. We agreed and he opened up a portal in the sphere that Fil had told me about. I was worried at first, hoping that it was not a portal back to Shaddovar. I will not go back! But it turned out to be room like the one back at home. He made it based off of what we had shown him there. He asked Sora to step into the center, and began his magic.

The circle and the glyphs in the center began to shift and spin around Sora. Then one of the crystals burst out of him and he screamed. We did not know what the spell was; nor whether or not stopping it would hurt Sora worse. But Colt, of course, tried shooting Caspian! I admire his conviction, but sometimes he needs to stop and think! The others also tried to stop Caspian, but he had some kind of force field around him. When the spell was over, Sora was safe and had only a few scars to show for his trouble. And Caspian had a room attuned, which was all he had wanted the crystal for. He gave them back to Sora, and now I believe we have a solid ally outside the Council Police. He seemed quite pleased. We talked briefly about where we might learn more about the last two crystals, and left.

We are on the train to Paris now, to talk to a Professor of Archeology that works at the University. Caspian seems to think he would be a decent lead to the next crystal.  
Colt told us an interesting thing. Apparently, the military has found some way to get to the other world. Colt was sent there during his training. This is quite interesting, though I am unsure what it means for me. I hope nothing. The very last thing I need is to find an enemy in the U.S. military. I trust Colt and his father; I do hope this trust is not misplaced.

June 20, 2008

We were going to go to the Louvre this morning. It really did seem like a brilliant idea, since we could not get an appointment with the professor. I was quite excited, I really do like art. Plus, I want to see things... things that mean something. It is part of the reason I want to travel a lot one day. We are traveling now, so I wanted to go to the Louvre before we left Paris. But I should have figured somehow a dampener would get put on my plans. I swear, I cannot go anywhere without trouble.

As we were leaving the hotel, I was hit by some kind of dart. I had enough time to think, "What the hell?", before I passed out. I was hit by a tranquilizer. A tranquilizer! That's a first; I am used to being attacked with things that could kill me! I am lucky that Colt is smart when it comes to fights. I do not know how we would have gotten out without him. They carried me out of the hotel, and even managed to find the Council Police in Paris all by themselves! I was quite impressed. I woke at the police station, where they filled me in on what happened, and their plan. Sora mentioned instead of risk getting attacked again when we went to visit the professor, we ought to have him brought to us! We were at a police station, after all. So we had him arrested.

Naturally he was quite surprised when he arrived; I really do not blame him. But once we explained to him what we were doing, and why we needed him, he grew quite excited. He was interested in both mine and Sora's markings, and I think he almost came at the sight of one of the crystals. He mentioned he had seen markings like Sora's on a dig at Old Carthage. So, we have found our next destination. Tunisia.

We will be going a long as research assistants, and maybe we will find another crystal. I am really looking forward to it. Plus we will be going through Cairo on our way there, which is a place I have been very interested, since it is where the Church decided I was born. I know it was not, but it is still the place where I am officially a citizen. Speaking of the Church, I received a note today from some mystery person. It told me to "Please go home", and was signed not with a name, but a Catholic rose. I called Maggie, but she did not seem to know where it had come from. She told me the only Catholic groups that use parchment instead of letter head would have no interest in me, and I had better hope to keep it that way.

They are still following me, however. There is a man who keeps appearing wherever we go, whom Sora claims is watching me. I asked Maggie about this, and she said of course someone is following me. I suppose I do not mind so much. They will only see me doing what I would tell them I am doing anyway. I have no reason to lie to Maggie, and I hope she understands this. It does not benefit me in anyway to be deceitful towards the Church; it is actually beneficial to never lie to her. So far as I can tell anyway.

We also learned that the Caspian Villa in Marseilles has been bombed. I am not too worried, because we know Fil told us she left for Boston yesterday evening, but it is still quite troublesome. Did that happen because of us? I hope not, but I fear... We seem to go places and bad things happen.

I called Vince today to see what is going on in Boston. Apparently the Lagoon has been closed for days, and the Silver Lining is the new hot club. Vince told me they throw great parties, I told him I remember. It seems as though Shale is taking over quite a bit of the city or at least demanding tribute from many of the underground organizations. I will have to continue contact with Vince, to see what happens. I am insanely curious. I am quite happy to be traveling so much, but a part of me needs to be back in Boston so I can see and participate in developments there. I feel as though I am missing important things, even as I participate in other important things. I guess we shall see what happens. Hopefully the city will not go to hell without me there.

June 22, 2008

I just got back from one of the most insane nights I can remember. Yesterday, we spent the day exploring Paris. I got to see the Louvre, which was amazing. I am planning on going back sometime after high school is over. It was a nice, peaceful day. I even got to take pictures of the view from the Eiffel Tower, which was spectacular, though a bit bright. Of all things, I wish the sunlight did not hurt my eyes so much.

I heard rumor while I was out of a dance club not too far from the police station. So I decided to check it out. No one wanted to go with me which suited me just fine. And now I have lived through the night it suits me even better. So at sundown I went, honestly, now I do not even remember the name of the place! At first it was a little boring. I had a couple beers, but otherwise it was nothing spectacular. After about two hours I had decided on going to another place the bar tender had mentioned, and I saw her as I was leaving. She had long hair, like a black silk curtain. Her eyes were so light a brown they were almost gold, and her skin was like dark honey. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen; it has me poetic! I was stopped dead in my tracks, and could not leave until I talked to her.

Her name was Delkash, and she was an exile from Iran. She had this fascinating way of looking at me right away, like she had a secret she wanted to share. I was helpless, I really was. She asked me if I wanted to leave with her, and I would have been a fool to deny her. So we went to another club, where she bought me several drinks, and we made out a lot. She was amazing! I could have kissed her forever.

Sometime after midnight, she asked me to come back to her place, and I could not refuse. She took me to the Hookah Bar she ran with her brother, and we went to the upper story of the building, where she lived. It was there I found out she also ran an opium den in her home. We had incredible sex, and then she offered me a pipe. I almost refused, but decided I might as well try it once. I felt an amazing sense of euphoria right away. It was just like after sex; I have never felt so calm and at peace with myself. We lay on her bed for hours wearing only her sheets, smoking opium. I wish I could feel that way everyday. No more memories, no more confusion and fear. Just peace. That is all I want. Peace.  
I fell asleep sometime before dawn, and slept without dreaming. I have not slept without night mares in almost a year. Her brother woke me sometime around nine o'clock, and gave me money for a taxi. But she was gone. It was almost like a dream, I am unsure if it was real or not. Truthfully, I do not mind either way. She gave me a gift that I will be forever grateful for. A night of true peace.

Sora was very angry when I got back to the Station. I told him the truth of where I had gone, or very near to it. He was not satisfied, but I do not care. He is not my mother; it is none of his business what I do with my time. I get the job done, and that is all that matters. I wish he would stop this possessive, jealous, childish bullshit. I care about him a great deal, but there is a limit to my patience. He needs to just decide what he wants, and tell me. I will not wait forever.

June 25, 2008

I am sitting on the deck of a ship, traveling from Cairo to Tunis. We left Cairo this morning, after getting supplies and picking up diggers. I was very glad we got to spend at least one day in Cairo, though I would have loved to stay. It was quite beautiful, and getting to see the ruins of the pyramids was an experience I will never forget. It was like looking into eternity. There were also several great open air markets I got to explore, and I have heard there are more in Tunis. I picked up some great clothes, and if I were into jewelry, I would have spent even more money.

The Mediterranean is so lovely. I have experienced a very peaceful couple of days; I really do think traveling is what I want to do for the next several years after high school. Maybe the Council Police would be willing to send me. I am certain I could think of some reason they might want to finance my traveling.

I have been quite lucky; the Captain has a wonderful selection of liquor. And he was more than willing to give me a couple of bottles. He's also a very good lay, for being around forty. Not a bad looking gentleman; Italian, I think. Or Greek, I cannot tell. Tori would be able to, but no one knows I fucked him, and I prefer to keep it that way. Sora would only sulk, and I am in too good a mood to put up with it.

I am looking forward to Tunis, in fact, I am quite optimistic about this whole adventure. It does feel very mysterious and adventurous, which is exactly what I needed. At home, I would only be sulky about what I knew was happening to my city I cannot stop. Out here, I can get some perspective. Maybe Shale can have Boston. With the Mediterranean this wonderful, I can hardly be bothered to care.

June 27, 2008

Today started perfect. We arrived in Tunis last night, a little too late to get anything done. But this morning we were free to do what we wanted while the professor arranged transportation to the dig. I decided I wanted to wander around the open air market, and the others decided to join me. For the first few hours it was wonderful. I was really enjoying myself. If we ever do find peace again, I really would like to travel. There is so much in this world to see and to do. I am young; I have much time to do everything I would like to, and more! But first, there are some things we need to take care of.

I have done something horrible... It was an accident! I did not mean for it to happen. I am so glad Sora did not see. I think only Tori saw, and I think he will keep it quiet. I killed a man today. I killed him with my mind. I only meant for it to hurt! I did not think it would kill him. It terrifies me I can do that. I knew I had potential to do incredible things, but I did not think of killing.

He had a tattoo on his back of a Catholic Rose, the same as the one on the parchment. I do not know who these men are, but they are not giving up on catching us, or killing us. And what I have done will only make it worse. They saw what I did, and it scared them. They ran for now, but we will see them again, and next time they will try harder.  
I am afraid. Afraid of what I can do, and what it means for me and my friends. Things will not be easier, not for a very long time. I thought things were getting better. I hate this.


	8. Journey to the Past

June 28, 2008

I remembered something last night. I was... killing people. I could not see them clearly. It does not matter who they were anyway. They are dead now. I do not know where I was, that does not matter either. She was there, and I was on the chain. And I was enjoying it. I wanted to be there, to kill people, to watch them die knowing I was responsible. I knew I would be rewarded again, because I was good at what I did. I was the best. I am a murderer, and I wanted to be.

I do not want to know more. I thought I did, but now I know the truth about who I really am is to awful to bear. I am a killer. I do not want that anymore. But I know I cannot hide from my past. It will catch up to me, as the Engel has proven. I wonder where he is now. I have not seen him with Maggie in such a long time. And when he does catch up to me, would he not be right to kill me? I deserve it. I know that the one time I remember, was not my first, nor my last set of murders. And I did most of it without lifting a finger. I thought their deaths, and glorified in it.

We are on our way out to the dig now. I had been excited about going out and learning more about this, but now I am afraid. Afraid to learn more. The others do not know. I do not even think they could guess! Their lives have been so cut and dry, black and white... If they knew, would they even want me around anymore? Especially seeing how I am a danger to them and myself. I am unsure what course to take now. It is too late to turn back, but I do not want to go forward anymore. I keep seeing what I have done... And I am terrified.

July 3, 2008

On the fifth day of the dig we found the markings the Professor had spoken of. They were carved into large panels of salt. The others were the ones who were really involved; I had been drinking for five days, wallowing in self hatred. They figured out it was a door, and found two small spaces crystals could fit in. Sora put the crystals in them, and the blocks slid apart to open a passage. We had found more of old Carthage than I think anyone ever has, and Tas was pouring out of it!

We decided this was where we were supposed to be, and went in. Luckily, I am able to clean the alcohol out of my system easily, or I would have gone in there slightly drunk.  
We took one passage to a large room, filled with Roman Legionnaires and Carthians who were still fighting. The place had been frozen in time! Tori, the Italian, decided to aid the Romans, so we were kind of trapped on that course. I do not think it mattered too much either way. One interesting thing I noticed was the fact not all the fighters were human, in fact, most of them were not. It makes me wonder how many people in the world actually are human. Are there more of us outsiders than one would imagine? Or was it only in the past?

When the battle was done, only one Roman remained. Tori spoke with him a moment, and learned the soldiers believed they were still fighting the Second Punic War! But when the soldier went off, there was a cave in; really we were lucky we had not tried to go with him. We would have been killed too. The passage was blocked, so we had to backtrack.

We wandered for a little, finding Romans and Carthians; both living and dead. We were able to avoid the living and found ourselves in a dark room, surrounded by bodies. Tori was investigating one when it attacked him. There were some still alive! They were definitely not human; they almost looked like human corpses. I chased after one I thought was trying to escape, and ended up tricked. I had been lured into a web, where they intended to kill me. Their leader told me they had attacked us because I am Drow, and they tried to stop Colt from cutting me down. There was some confusion among them, so they were not acting very fast.

The most unexpected things happen to us. Sora found a language they could communicate with him in, and was able to stop them from killing me. There was much confusion; they were convinced I was a servant of Shaddovar. I cannot blame them; after all, I used to be. Colt and I were trying to figure out the best way to take them down. It had the potential to end badly, but in the end, Sora vouched for me, and they took him at his word. They seem to hold Sora in high esteem. They kept referring to him as some kind of emissary. And I realized we still do not know what Sora is. We do not know even a little of the history of his people. Yet the Engel and these people deferred to his judgment. It is quite curious.

We spoke with them for a while, but I could not understand much of what was said. They seemed to know time had been stopped here, but were shocked when they found out for how long. They had come to Carthage to prevent Slavers from Shaddovar from taking advantage of the chaos of war. It seems as though the Shade have always meddled. I am starting to think this needs to stop, especially in my city. When we get home it will be taken care of.

We decided to press on, to find the crystal or more information about it, and to stop the minions of Shaddovar. They decided to accompany us; I think mostly to keep an eye on me. We explored in relative silence for a couple hours. We eventually entered another room, and Tori wandered right into the arms of a Drow ambush. I ended up killing one of them using my mind. I did not mean to, it was an accident! I only meant to hurt, to incapacitate. I do not want to kill my own kind. But I have no control over it... From now on, I will only use this power if I mean to kill. It is too dangerous otherwise; at least until I know I can control it. We were in no state to continue; myself included, and doubled back to a room that was safer. A couple Drow had survived, and we brought them with us to question later.

One of them died during the night. But the other woke shortly after everyone else did. It seems as though Drow have our own language. As soon as he began insulting me, I could remember every word. I tried to get him to tell me what they were doing here, but he reacted as I would have expected him to; exactly as I would have. With perfect stubbornness. He did say some quite interesting things. He believed we would be caught and he would turn me in. "Maybe they'll give you to me... Wouldn't that be fun?" I am guessing "they" are Shaddovar, and I really was a slave, since I could be given as if I were property. Maybe he even recognized me, though he said nothing to lead me to truly believe that. I let Colt shoot him when he said this. Only in the leg though, I was not done with him.

He started to look a little nervous, but would not give at all. I told him, hoping to get a better response, if he did not talk, we would have to kill him. He seemed to believe we would kill him anyway. I told him I had no interest in his death, which was the truth. I do not think he needed to die... Though it was my hand that killed him. It was when he said this, "But it is what you do. You kill and kill and kill, and when you do well enough they reward you with an orgasm!" And I did not even think. My hand was on my sword and he was dead. I have no control... Over my mind or my actions. I need to find some way to balance my anger. Because people are dying... and I am killing them.

We continued on, passing through the dark for about an hour. Though it was quite difficult to gauge time down there, it felt as though time were still halted. I was not expecting to run into one of them. Not here, not in this world. She was the same as Allie, just like I remember my own Keeper. And she had him on a chain. He was like me. A Drow with the same blue markings marring my skin. He was in the collar of his own free will, I could see that much. But when your choices are obey or die what kind of choice can you make. If you want to live, you obey, even if what you are doing is horrific. I knew given a chance I could help him. I found a new way to live; there is no reason to believe others like me cannot.

But first she would have to die. I asked the others not to kill him, I wanted to help him. I told them to leave him to me, and he seemed quite willing to oblige me. The Keeper looked at me and said "Quite an interesting motley you've gathered. Let's see how well you've trained them!" And everything went dark. I stumbled for a moment, but I know she was there somewhere, and I knew I could kill her. I only had to concentrate to find her mind, and it would be over. I heard her scream after a moment, and was sure I had succeeded. It was not long before it was over.

However, Sora had asked those creatures to help us, and they went after the collared one. They killed him. When I realized he was dead, something hit me hard. It was like looking in a mirror. It could have been me. Why am I the one who got away, who found a new life? Why was I given a chance at peace, and not him? Even thinking about it now makes my eyes sting. Tori tried to get me to remove the collar; he seemed to think I needed to do it. But even as I tried, I knew I could not. Why would they bind me in something I could remove myself? So Tori removed it and gave it to me. It still sits in my bag... I feel it in my mind like a scar. I must do something about it.

When the fight was over, we discovered that Sora had gone off on his own, and rushed off to find him. He can be such a fool, I do not understand him. It makes sense to stay together, yet he went rushing off on his own crusade. Luckily, finding him did not end in disaster, this time. He was in a dark hall, where we found many Carthian soldiers stunned into place. We were told a Slaver was near. Colt started freaking out about something; I still do not know what. And then the Slaver appeared. I cannot remember seeing anything like it. It was taller than a man, and had a face resembling an octopus. It was creepy. What was even creepier was what it tried to do to me.

It appeared, did something that made the Guardians fall, and then disappeared behind a column. I could not very well let it get away, so I ran after it. Well he was waiting for me, and let me run right into him. He grabbed my face with one of his tentacles, and I swear he was planning on eating me! I will admit I panicked. I am not afraid to die, but something told me that would be a particularly horrible way to go. Luckily, the Guardians killed him before he could do much damage.

There was another Slaver around, and we decided to kill it before we searched for the crystal. As we searched, I talked to the leader of our new allies. He told me the Shade and my people had an alliance, though he did not elaborate very well as to why. Only it was mutually beneficial in some way. We have similar interests. I guess the Shade are one of the Nine Houses, whatever that means... In the end the agreement leaves the Drow unchallenged, which I have a hard time believing. It seems as though we follow their rule, and are fighting in their war. That does not seem like ruling to me. It makes no sense my people should serve the Shade. He said they have fewer numbers, but more power. But if we took power for ourselves, we could be equal or better. And if there are more of us, in the end that would make us more powerful. I think this is a course I must consider. If I do ever have to go back, I want to see my people better than they are now. I do not think this would please Shaddovar. Perhaps a break is necessary. I will have to think about how to best do this. As far as right now goes, not much can be done, because I do not know very much. I will have to find out more about what has happened before I can make a plan of action. But I will. Let the Shade fight their war on their own... see how long they last without us.

We continued further onto the temple grounds searching for the second Slaver. It was not long before we came to another room with soldiers stunned frozen, Colt, in a move that would have been brilliant if it were not completely irrelevant, began taking their weapons. After a few moments, the soldiers began moving towards the main battle, completely ignoring us. Just as I thought they would. I convinced the others to let them be, and continue searching for the Slaver.

Colt came up with another scheme which I approved of wholeheartedly. He would cause a distraction, hopefully bringing the Slaver into the open. Well, it worked so brilliantly I think that if we had waited only a moment more he would have revealed himself anyway. He was atop an archway, and it seemed as though he were directing parts of the battle. We headed toward him, but he disappeared for a moment as we got closer to the arch.  
Then Colt shot right past me, and I could see where the Slaver was. He was hovering in the air over another large column. He seemed completely unimpressed by any of our attempts to daze him or shoot him down. He came closer and made a strange movement; did something that made Colt and Allie fall down. But not me. I knew I could not take him on my own, and I was about to run, when the Guardians came below him. They dazed him, making him fall from the air, leaving me able to kill him. I had thought they were staying with Sora, but they did not know where he had gone. That idiot had gone off on his own again. He had better not get upset at me for going out ever again. At least when I go drinking I am not in a cave in the middle of nowhere, with a hundred things that would gladly see my death... Admittedly, I might be wrong, but I can hold my own in a fight. Sora has a tendency to get captured.

Then I got another piece of bad news. Standing on top of the archway, Allie described a shadowy figure going up the temple steps; the same temple that Sora was entering. The figure was a Shade, and Sora was doing something incredibly stupid. We ran to catch him, shouting for him to come back. I did not care if the Shade heard us, we could face him together, but Sora could not face him by himself. Of course, I did not think about the radio still in my bag. Sora did, and contacted me on it when he heard us. I told him of the danger, but he did not heed me. Now I understand a few things about the way he treats me... He does not trust me. I do not think he ever has. I suppose I should not be surprised, no one else trusts me. But it still hurts a bit. I really thought I had earned his trust by now. I have been trying so hard...

We did not get there too long after Sora and the Shade did. I tried to pull the crystal to me, but there was some barrier there my mind could not penetrate; it burned my hand, without leaving scars. When I screamed, the Shade saw us. He tried addressing us in a strange language, and appeared quite frustrated. I decided to try one of the languages I knew to stall him so Sora could get the crystal. Of course, Sora did not get it until it was too late. He addressed Allie mostly, asking her where my Keeper was and why I did not have my collar. He said we had to hurry, "they" would be here soon. He bade us take the crystal and the Emissary and hurry. I tried to tell Allie telepathically to stall him, since he acted as though she had higher rank than I, but she was either ignoring me or did not hear me.

It would not have mattered too much anyway, because Colt got impatient and shot at him. Idiot... The Shade attacked Allie; for a while I really thought she was dead. The Guardians arrived then, just as Sora was able to grab the crystal. They began to attack him, but did not seem to be very successful in doing any damage. He needed to die. I was not going anywhere until he or I were dead. I tried killing him the same way I killed the Keeper earlier, but was only able to hurt him a little. I think being attacked by us; me in particular, unnerved him a little. He moved through the shadows away from us, and commented "Things have changed". Then he touched the air as if he were testing its temperature, and it started to shimmer around him. He told us this was not over, and disappeared. I get that a lot. Nothing is EVER over. And neither was my day!

I wanted to rest, I was exhausted. I felt as if my mind were empty, like if I tried to use it beyond thinking for much longer I would not even be able to do that. But the Guardians advised us against staying, said if we had a way out we should use it. I asked them what they would do now they could leave. They said they would go back to their tower in Atlantis. I tried to tell them Atlantis was gone, sunk, but they did not believe me. Said they would have to see for themselves. Their leader told me I was the strangest Drow he had ever met. If he only knew what I have in mind...

The journey out was uneventful. Colt carried Allie, who had lived, but only just. She was cut up terribly, down to the bone. I was still worried she was going to die, but we were in luck. A strange sort of luck, but for Allie, it was good enough.

Maggie once joked the Church had me chipped. There are times when I really do not think she was kidding. She was waiting for us when we emerged. Maggie, several Vatican guards, and an Engel. An Engel! I have only seen one in its true form when I was fighting them in my dreams. I got myself ready for a confrontation. They were all very upset with us for opening Carthage. They have yet to really explain anything to us yet, side from the fact it was stupid, but are saying we will talk about it tomorrow.

They told us we were going to the Vatican, and even had helicopters there to take us. As we were gathering our things and getting into the helicopters, Carthian and Roman soldiers were emerging from the cave. The Guard was pushing them back into Carthage. When they had gotten them all back into Carthage, they sealed off the entrance. I am shocked they would do this. Those people had as much of a right to live as anything else. And they left them to die. It is wrong, and I cannot get any of the others to understand this, except Sora. He was more furious about it than I was. They left them to die... The ride was tense and uncomfortable. We were stuck in a helicopter with Maggie and the Engel, who turned out to be an old Cardinal. We arrived only about three hours ago. They took Allie to the hospital; hopefully we will get to see her tomorrow. I am not happy about the situation, but I will admit if they had not been there, we may not have gotten to help in time. She might be dead, if not for them.

They gave us rooms and have left us for the night. This room is huge! And it has its own bathroom. They gave us absolutely everything we would need, and some things we do not. It is quite beautiful and comfortable; I just spent two hours in a bathtub that could have fit one other person and we would not have touched each other! It is a gilded cage. I want out now. I feel incredibly out of touch. I think I may have over used my powers today. I am so tired. And while I am not happy to be here, and if I could leave I would, I keep looking over at the ridiculously huge bed... I think I can bide my time here. They will not try to keep us here forever.

July 4, 2008

After Mass this morning, we were brought into the Cardinal's office. We learned quite a few interesting and troubling things. First we learned the Guardian's are being "detained". They said it was because they could be a nuisance because they can remember what the world was like before. I am upset they are doing this. What gives them the right to deny life to others? Just because they do not belong here? Well, neither do I and they let me loose! The only difference between them and me is I do not remember... very much. I did not tell them I have remembered something's, and have learned enough to fill some of the holes. They do not need to know. Especially if it means they will look on me with more suspicion than they already do.  
We learned some interesting things about the natures of non-humans. My people are generally deceitful, selfish, pleasure seeking and calculating. And that is on a good day. None of it is very surprising to me. The problem comes when they tell me I cannot change my nature. Only humans can. I can hide it, fight it, but it is always there. As much as part of me rails against this, in my heart I know it is true. I cannot change what I am. I can fight my nature, but it will always be a struggle.

Should I even try anymore? Why fight what I am when I can focus it where it is useful? Is that my answer? I will have to consider this. Using what I am to reach my goals may be easier than fighting it. Better than trying to act human.

We were told more about the Shade and the Engel. It seems as though they were made to be opposites. The Engel bring order, and the Shade seeks to alter it. Light and dark cannot exist without the other, but these guys take it to extremes! The Shade are darkness without light, and the Engel the exact opposite. As I figured, the Shade are essentially evil. And while the Engel are good, I get the impression they are too good. Zealous. They could cause just as many problems as the Shade, only in a different way. They may have to both go. But for now, I am going to focus on the Shade. They have had it coming longer.

Long ago, someone decided to leave the world to the humans alone. The rest of us were given Atlantis, and then Atlantis was sealed. Like Carthage, until we opened it. I get the feeling this may have been when the Ancients started letting Towers be built. But the seal has been leaking, and some of us are getting out. No one knows why, we only know it cannot mean anything good. I for one, am inclined to say let it. If things are getting out slowly, it is easier to monitor, to take care of on our end. Of course, my friends want to rush in right away and investigate. And tamper, and probably open, just like they did with Carthage. They do not understand it is better let alone. If anything happened to the seal... There are things better left out of this world, namely the Shade. There are so few in the world right now. It is better to kill them one at a time than to take them all.

The Cardinal and Maggie were able to talk them out of jumping on a plane to Bermuda this instant, but the issue is not resolved. We will be going home once Allie is well enough to travel. So, a couple more days in the Vatican. I guess its masturbation only for me until I get home. Colt left for some air base and said we would see him in Boston. I am a bit concerned about Colt's closeness with the military. He knows so much about me and the others. If he tells them anything that could hurt us... I will just have to be careful and guard myself. He knows a few things he would not know if I had not had to tell everyone. I will just have to keep any more secrets close.

I did have a nice afternoon with Tori, however. He took me to lunch, and then we went to a couple local museums. There were many interesting art pieces... I think I may take a painting class when school starts. I have been finding myself enjoying Tori's presence lately. It is soothing. He does not expect anything from me, like Sora. I can be honest, with him and myself when he is there. But he does not expect me to be. He waits for me. It really means something for some reason.  
However, he did do something strange. He tricked me. We were talking about what I have been going through lately, about finding out I am a killer, and he tricked me into his arms. I do not know what he meant by it, but I panicked. And yet I could not move. I stayed until he released me... Before I could gauge what he wanted. He has told me before if it were not for Fil he would want me. And she has not been around so... I am unsure of what is going on.

First Sora is getting jealous of the time I spend away from him, and now Tori is grabbing me! i have been perfectly happy so far, unbound to anyone. I can do as I please, and whom I please, and no one can rule me. Now, two of my friends are behaving in ways that confuse me. And I care about both of them. Am I going to have to choose? Or, for their sake, maybe it is better if I leave... I had decided tonight to stay, I cannot risk leaving. But maybe they cannot risk me staying. I do not want to hurt or betray either of them but I fear... I cannot change my nature. And I am so tired of fighting it.

July 5, 2008

Something strange is going on with Tori. He missed Mass this morning, which I have never known him to do, even when he was going through his crisis of faith last year. So I went to check on him, and he would not let me in. Said he was not feeling well, but sounded just fine. In fact, he sounded slightly panicked. Something is going on and when I get him to talk to me, I will find out what it is!

Otherwise, today has been incredibly boring. I brought Allie some really food, since it seems hospitals only feed you slop. She is doing quite well, though her scar is quite terrible. We were able to hang out during visiting hours, but they did kick me out eventually. I just spent a massive amount of time in the library, reading the memoirs of some Cardinal in the 13th century, but it was not very interesting. It seems most juicy political scandals at the time were pretty much the same. If I have to endure three more days of this, I will go mad.

July 9, 2008

The Vatican has got to be one of the most boring places in Europe. I have heard the night life in Rome is amazing, but I have not been allowed to leave Vatican City. And I have tried. They stopped me. I have spent the days mostly by myself; Allie is still in the hospital and I am not really interested in talking to Sora right now. And Tori has not left his room. In fact, he stopped even answering when I knock, and there is an odd smell coming from his door. I do not think it is anything bad though... I have smelled death, and this was not that smell. It was earthy, and smoky, and somewhat like sulfur... and a little like opium, but a little off. Something is going on, and I want to know what it is!  
Maggie told me we would be going home tomorrow. I tried to ask her about Tori, but all she would say was I would see him tomorrow.

But I am glad to be going home, finally! I have enjoyed traveling, when our lives were not in danger, and I hope to do more of it. But Boston has become my home. My territory. And right now there is a Shade there fucking things up. I will not allow it. So it is time to go home and take care of it. I found myself daydreaming about fucking him, then cutting his throat this afternoon. It shocked me at first, but now I find it... amusing. If only my friends knew my thoughts. They might be a bit more wary. Which they should be. They really should not trust me too much. Because while I try to fight my nature in regards to them, because I do care about them, I cannot make any promises. I will no longer try so hard with others, however. Especially Shale.


	9. Girl on the Floor

July 10, 2008

I am sitting on an airplane right now, flying over the Atlantic. I must say, I do not really like flying. I think boats are my favorite way to travel. It might be slower, but it is much more pleasant. Airplanes are stuffy and uncomfortable. Even more so when one is stuck on one with Maggie and an Engel. It is not easy to not be able to excuse myself from their presence... I just have to remember I will be home soon and will not have to see them so often anymore. Though, I have a feeling that might not be true.

Tori told me this morning he has joined an order of the church. Right... He did not say what order, only he was still only a layman. Right... There is something more to this. He is being too secretive for it to be so simple. He has even shaved his head! I have decided simply to wait for him to tell me. I think when he is ready he will. Though, now I think on it, there is something else... Something about him now makes me feel odd. He is sitting across from me, with Maggie and the Engel. I really ought to learn his name, so I can refer to him correctly. I cannot put my finger on it, but something about seeing them together feels... I am unsure... I feel quite uncomfortable thinking about it. As though I do not want to know. But I can be patient. Tori has shown me more patience than I deserve. I will trust him, and wait. Though, I will admit, it kills apart of me to do so. Fighting my nature, I suppose.

July 12, 2008

This morning Tori and I went to his uncle's strip bar to find out what has been going on while we were gone. I was not very impressed by the man, and it seems as though Tori was quite unhappy with him as well. They know nothing, nothing at all. He was not very happy to see me, despite Tori's assurances. Tori told the man I worked with D'Blade. I almost screamed I do not, but I bit my tongue. I decided to let Tori lead this one. Tori's uncle basically told me to tell D'Blade they were trying to kill him. I almost told him you and everyone else. I thought it was a useless visit, but it gave Tori something to think about.

We decided afterward to visit D'Blade. As usual, we could not get past the goons answering the phone, but Tori decided we should go anyway. Since I had decided to follow his lead, I followed. Tori took us to the back and told the kitchen we were doing a surprise health inspection. I wish he would tell me before he uses these clever ideas of his. If the guy who let us in had been looking at my face, I fear I would have given the truth away with my surprise. WE were taken to an office, where one of the bartenders from the Lagoon was sitting, and the jig was up. Tori should have known better, they all know me there. But he left, saying he was going for D'Blade with no indication he disbelieved us.

We were left to wait for a while, but they did both come back into the room. D'Blade had thought the bartender was joking, but there we were. Our short conversation told us that while D'Blade had closed the Lagoon, his legitimate businesses were thriving. He has been kicking up to Shale, and seems to have no qualms about it. Said it is the way things work. Coward. He even had the audacity to offer us jobs. I do not know why I was so surprised. To just give in is what I would expect from D'Blade. Will I come to find my people have no pride?

I have spoken to Tori about what happened at the Vatican. He said he had grabbed me like that to show me how much I have changed. I trusted him more. And it would only mean more if I wanted it to. Right. I am still confused, but I dropped it. He could have just said, you have changed. He did not have to pull me into his arms like that. What exactly does he want out of this? Hell, what do I want out of this? Two weeks ago I would have had no hesitation, but since Rome... he has changed. There is something making me want to keep my distance that was not there before. I cannot explain it. But at the same time, he is the only person who truly understands what I am going through. And he has not judged me through any of it. He has always accepted my nature. I am so confused. I think I will wait and see how this plays out. Maybe it will not be too long before I find out what really happened at the Vatican, and then I can decide what to do about it. I do know one thing, almost no matter what happens... I will suffer if I loose him.

I told Tori my original plan to kill Shale, and he almost latched on to the idea. I had to explain to him I could not do it; what it would do to my resolve. She is right; it would make going back too easy. Too easy for my comfort. Tori seemed to think if he and Colt went with me it might work, but I told him no. Colt is not subtle enough, he would get himself, or all of us killed. And while I trust Tori to see it through to the end... I do not trust myself not to fall. So we will do this a bit more like how we took out Wing. That worked out, and with Wing the odds were much higher in his favor. Shale might control the underground, but his resources cannot be as vast as Wing Corporation's were. It will take time, and it will be dangerous, but we have dealt with worse. We took out a fucking dragon!

Fayne helped me find a party to go to tonight. I figure with the Lagoon closed, going to a rave will be the best way to get more information about Shale. Plus it has been too long since I have gotten laid, so I am really looking forward to getting out. Being at the Vatican for a week has really made me want to sin in every way possible.

August 2, 2008

I just got back from Hell. I met some people at the last rave who seemed really cool. They gave me some pills, ecstasy, danced with me; two of them even fucked me there in the hangar. I had pretty much decided I was not going home from the party, and they invited me to another one. So I went. And did more drugs. And more drugs. And then I completely lost all sense of anything going of what I remember is muddled. I am not sure how much of it actually happened, how much of it were memories, or how much was hallucinations. For sure I know I got fucked a lot, and did more drugs. Heroin, ecstasy, PCP, crack cocaine, barbiturates, alcohol.... I am not sure what else.

I remember being in a large dark room, where there were several BDSM scenes going on. There was several Shade there, Tieflings, other Drow. My Mistress was there with me, lashing me as I was tied to a post. AS I cried out, it was not from the pain, but from the pleasure it brought. I wanted it. I am starting to realize I'm more of a masochist than I knew. I remember several other scenes like this, and I am sure they are all real... Decadence and torment is what the story on the wall said about Shaddovar. Now I know it was not exaggerating. It haunts me a little to think about, but it is something I am realizing I cannot turn away from. This need to be dominated is a part of me, but it is something I have control over. I think this is why I had been starting to feel Sora and I are incompatible. He is a submissive too.

I remember going to fight clubs, and I know that part is real; it is where Tori and Colt found me. There was an Engel at one of them, very angry and shouting at people. I do not remember what he looked like aside from being Engel. This is something that might have been a hallucination. There were more memories about this too; I think they were at any rate. I was being led into a room by my Mistress, where the winner of the fight was awaiting his reward. That reward was me. Just one night... But they could do whatever they wanted to me. Whatever they wanted... Sometimes it was easy. Others... There was a man, a Shade I think, who had these razors. He called them flechettes, and they were so beautiful. They were engraved with swirls and knots, and were perfectly polished. He spent a good deal of time showing them to me, before he tied my hands to a hook above my head and carved the blades through my skin... I do not think I have ever screamed so much... Other encounters are a bit muddled, but I can remember every second of the flechettes on my skin... I do not know if I could go through with it now, but in that place there were no safe words. They could do whatever they wanted, short of killing me.  
I was offered as a prize many times, and I always wanted to go back, even after the flechettes. I let things happen to me, and while part of me is horrified at the things that happened, it is only part. Part of me craves it… Pain and submission are a quite intense pleasure I would not expect many to understand. But I am what I am.

Tori and Colt found me at one of the fights. I was so high; I almost did not believe it was really them. But they carried me bodily from the building and brought me home. The last thing I remember before de-tox is Maggie and Ral Dolas standing in the doorway. They were so beautiful, and terrible. It was like seeing something truly divine... And then there was pain.

De-tox is truly Hell. The pain was almost more than I could bear, I just wanted to die. To feel, to remember, no more. But it lasted for two weeks before they said I was recovered enough to go home. I had dreams there too. Nightmares more horrible than anything I had imagined before. I think they might be based on memories, but I hope they are not. If so, there are horrors in my past no one could ever relate to, ever truly understand. I was being raped by… Well, I do not know what it was. It was disgusting and horrible… It makes me feel so alone. There was one dream I am sure is a memory, but I cannot tell for sure. I remember being branded. All the tiny markings on my body, burned into my skin one by one. The next applied before the last could heal. I think I terrified the nurses and Sora with my screaming for two weeks.  
But, slowly, I recovered. Dolas brought me home today. I am still so tired. And these memories keep flashing in my head, so it is very hard to rest. But I can do this. I can heal my body. I have felt my powers returning, and I think I will be okay. I am going to be okay.

August 4, 2008

Sora and I received an interesting surprise today. Mr. Caspian magically appeared in the crystal room. It seems as though his own Tas room was infiltrated by a Shade. Probably the Shade we released from Carthage, by the description. He told us he was only just able to escape, and only because he knew where our room was, and what it looked like. So, we have a problem. We are not going to have Caspian turn our own room into a Tas room. I fear since his room is the exact copy of ours... I have a feeling the Shade was trying to get to our room, not Caspian's. But since Caspian happened to have the room with the Tas... We think the Shade can only teleport to places that have Tas. So we will have to be careful about where and when we create these things. Caspian has told us he will deactivate his room until we can figure out how to keep the Shade from getting in. I hope he follows through with it. We cannot afford to have another entrance into our world from Atlantis.

We also told Caspian what we knew about Caspian Falls and Vestorimin. I felt... almost guilty talking about it. I am starting to think I was there; I had something to do with its fall. I do not really have time to think on it though. I have bigger problems right now... Like how to kill Shale. Who happens to live in Estovan's old house. We went up there today to show the crystal room to Mr. Caspian, but there were un-human guards standing outside the gates. Sora said they looked like Lei Xiu. Just great. I hope he has not found the crystal room. I would hate to see what he would do with it if he knew what it is.

We did decide shutting down other portals to Atlantis would be important, so we have scheduled a viewing with the real estate agent who is handling the penthouse on top of Wing Tower. It is for rent! The woman said it had a tenant already, but they were having problems with him. I am suspicious... There are no coincidences; I think Shale is renting that place too. But we will find out in a couple days when we go to see it. If the computer still exists, I am going to destroy it. Vince told us a magnet will wipe any information on it, and make it nonfunctional. I hope it really is so simple.

August 6, 2008

I was right about Shale renting the penthouse. Though it seems he is going to be kicked out of it. He threw an absurdly crazy party there, and completely trashed the place. Really, it was something to see. I am, honestly, a little jealous. It has been too long since I have been to a good party. Ah, no. No more parties. I cannot go through detox again. I will shoot myself before I have to relive that. No more…

However, the computer was gone. In its place were several large containers of Tas, and there were repelling hooks going down the tube, which had been broken. I just hope it does not mean Shale has access to that much Tas now. Maybe he does not know what he has... But I doubt it...

The place is not going to be able to be leased for some time, and I do not have the money for it anyway, as much as I would love to have it. Would that not be beautiful revenge on Wing? Tori came by and confirmed my suspicions. He was, in fact, bouncing at the party. It seems as though Tori has had a busy month participating in fight clubs and playing errand boy for the fight coordinators. He has an invite for the big fights tomorrow. So we are going shopping now for something to wear. We are getting closer to our goal. It will not be long before we are the position to strike.

August 8, 2008

The third tier fight club was at the Baxter Building yesterday evening. We arrived slightly early, and Tori learned he was there to fight. He did not know he was there to fight. I thought it was why we were going, but it seems as though Tori was a little behind.  
Ral Heron is in charge of these fights. It was quite terrifying having to face him when Tori asked to join the fight. I kept thinking about the last time I saw him... What I did and what he said to me. The scar he left even seemed to burn a little. It was painful to see an Engel in his position. I know they kill my kind, we are supposed to enemies... But it just seemed wrong to see him brought so low from what he was. What he should be. I... I still fear him. He owns my life, when it all comes down to it. If he had sought to claim it.... I could have done nothing. Tori and he argued a little. Heron seemed to think we had a lot of nerve showing up there. It is not untrue, we really do. They talked about a few strange things. Tori mentioned an Order, and being part of something, and Heron seemed to know what he was talking about. I did not understand, but decided to confront Tori about it later.

Tori gave me $6,000 dollars to place a bet on him. He was the first fight of the night. It, well, it did not last long. Tori killed him. He killed him without meaning to. I have never seen him so shook up before. I took him to a corner of the rooftop, sat him down, and tried to help as best I could. I know how he feels. I have killed too. Ral Heron had to taunt Tori, of course. The bastard snuck up behind me.. Really almost touching before I realized he was there. My memory of what was said is slightly skewed (I had a few drinks), but Tori is to come back next week to fight again.

After Tori seemed to be doing better, I collected my winnings. I gave the $6,000 back to Tori, but I still have $36,000! It feels a little strange to have so much money sitting in my clutch. I keep looking over at it as I sit here. I could make a lot of money doing this, I really could. I really do not have much to lose, so I think I will bet more next time.

We stayed for the rest of the fights. Really, if I avoided remembering Heron was there, I had a lot of fun. Being beautiful and having money is something I think I could get used to. I was invited to the after party; I did not even have to let anyone see my breasts for it!  
As we were leaving for the party we... I think someone got thrown off the building. We heard the scream and a thud. Sora wanted to investigate, but I made him get into the car. We are going to have enough problems infiltrating without poking our noses where we could get killed. No, getting killed would not help us get to Shale.

I found out at the party Shale hosts the Championship fights in his mansion. People were talking as though he has been doing this for years. I wanted to scream he has not even been here that long! We only released him eight months ago! What the hell! As bad as I want that asshole on top of me, I really hate him. Killing him is going to be so satisfying. But aside from having to watch my temper, I had a lot of fun. It was really refreshing to just go out and... Well, be charming. I am really good at it. And I like doing it. How do I get to do this for the rest of my life? One negative is I have been sick all day. I had a couple drinks... figured if I watched myself it would not be that bad. But, oh, it was. I only stopped dry heaving at about nine in the evening. I just wanted to die, I really did. Never again. Seriously, never again.

Tori has had a bad day. He came to dinner this evening, told us he was leaving the catholic school to go to the public school, and asked if he could move in with us. Of course, Sora and Ally said yes. But I was not so sure. I did not like the idea of Tori hiding things from us, like whatever he was talking so secretively about with Ral Heron. So I confronted him about it. He took us up to the ballroom (Tori has a flare for the dramatic, I think) and revealed he has become an Engel. An Engel.... A fucking Engel!! This makes things interesting.

It happened while we were at the Vatican. He chose to go through a ritual to turn him into an Engel. Apparently, Tori is the first ever to actually chose to be so. I am not really sure what to think about this. I do not think it changes my feelings about Tori in any way. But it makes me wary. What will he do when they perceive me as a threat? What will he do if they tell him to kill me? Will he do it?

I just got a text from Jonathon, one of the guys I met last night. Apparently there is a rave in Jersey Monday, and he has invited us. I love being gorgeous!

August 11, 2008

We just got back home from the rave. I swear, I cannot go anywhere without someone dying. We got there early; the party was going really well for a while. There were so many hot people there. I actually got laid a few times throughout the night. That part was great, at least. Sora and Allie took E. The idiots did not even know what they were doing. They thought someone gave them candy. Idiots. They are still rolling, I have to keep going to check on them. I guess if they had fun, that is all to be said about it. I am the last person to lecture them about drugs.

Tori wants me. The fool wants to lose his virginity to me. I do not understand the significance of it, but Tori is attractive. I like him. I would certainly not mind fucking him, but I am not sure if I can have any kind of relationship more than friendship. What is he going to do when I ask him to slap me, or strangle me, or be rough? I do not know if he can. I do not think he has it in him. And it is something I need. I could not be exclusive to Tori, and I do not think he would deal with that very well.

He tried to take me into the woods to fuck me. And I stumbled on a body. The body of the man we witness Shale and Ka and a couple lackeys drag into the woods. They shot him. It was De'Blade's assistant. I liked him, damn it! He was funny, and made a really good sloe-gin fizz. I am conflicted. I do not know if I should try and get in contact with De'Blade, find out if he was in on this, or if they have turned on him. He deserves it, lacking the balls to stand on his own...But I still feel guilty about abandoning him. It seems that we, as a race, should stand together. However much we might hate each other. So, I will probably try to talk to him. We will see how it goes.

August 12, 2008

I know how we got here. I read the collar's past, and now I know.

It belonged to me... and Allie. Allie was my Mistress. Oh gods, do I tell her? She does not want to know! And how can I face her now, after all that happened? After being free and realizing the horrific things inflicted on me. And the wonderful things... I am so confused about everything. It has all gone to hell; I do not think I even have Tori left for sanctuary.  
So Allie was my Mistress. I do not remember all the events of my life, which were apparently many. We are ancient. Immortal. It is an odd thought. I do know my only loyalty was to her. Not to Shaddovar or even my own people. Solely to her. She was loyal to Shaddovar, but only just. Her loyalties, which I felt from the collar, felt a little skewed.... There was something there I could not quite get at, but it symbolized more. We had the relationship I had imagined. She rewarded me, punished me, controlled me. Is it strange to think for the longest time, even before realizing now it was Allie, I long for that still. That simplicity in my life. Obedience is simple, uncomplicated. I miss that lack of control. Even while it was quite terrible to have my will taken away. But I WANTED it!!! Part of me still does. Allie does not want that life now. Even if I were to tell her, even if I were to offer the collar and my service back, even if I begged.... I know she would turn me away out of fear. She has turned her heart away from all she was, and I cannot begrudge it. I understand.

We were warriors, as much I know from dreams. I saw we were fighting a battle when it happened. A battle with the Engel, though there were some there who were not Engel that we killed. The city we were in must have been beautiful once. Everything left carried with it a kind of melancholy pride, everything worked to perfection. It must have been truly beautiful. Seeing it destroyed almost brings tears to my eyes. As we fought a cloud came up; a Tas storm, I think, though I have not seen anything like it. Bolts of lightning shot out from it, and hit many on the battlefield, including Allie and I, and the collar. Three separate lightning bolts, I believe is how we came to three separate locations at three different times. There was pain, so much pain in coming here, but... I would suffer it again to go back. For things to be simple again.

I woke from my vision in a kind of haze, still very confused and hurt, and there was an Engel in my room. So, I tried to kill him, but my powers did not work. I saw the sword by my desk and went for it, but the Engel commanded me to stop, and I was terrified back to my senses. I had just tried to kill Tori... He tried to comfort me, but there is no comfort for this, for what I am. I made him leave.

I have probably just terrified everyone in the house. Well, they have need to be scared. I have a feeling, a horrible feeling, this will not be the last time I lose control and try to kill one of my friends. My mind has never been my own.


	10. The Worst That Could Happen

August 13, 2008

Last night, Tori did something incredibly stupid. He told me about it just now... I just hope this does not back fire on us. He was doing a job for the fight club, delivering things or some such thing. And on his way from pick-up to delivery, he looked at the package. Knowing how dumb of an idea it was, he looked inside the damned bag! And it was Elise. ELISE! Fuck, I did not even know she was gone. So he called a security man in the neighborhood, planning to replace him for Elise... And he killed him. It was an accident but I am starting to feel like accidents cannot account for something like that. The man was probably dead anyway, going where he was. So Tori finished his delivery and brought Elise back here.

We do not know what they did to her, or what they were planning on doing. I do not think it was too horrible, she seemed panicky, but not necessarily traumatized. Stupid girl. She is with Sora right now, probably trying to fuck him. Whatever.

Something is happening to Tori. I wish I could understand what, but I think this is a bit beyond my ken. Since he became an engel he is different now. Impatient. More demanding. He does not look at me the same anymore, I do not know if I can trust him. I feel him slipping away, and I am confused. It hurts. I do not think I have felt like this before for a person, this sense of loss.

It is hard knowing. It is so hard to not tell her. I cannot even look at her now without wanting to scream. To cry, and beg... I feel like it is all happening at once, this assault on my emotions. And I cannot stop it.

August 16, 2008

Tori killed again at the fight last night. It scares me because he did it without remorse. He did not care, and when I confronted him about it, he was angry at me. He threw my own past back at me, just because he knew it would hurt me. I know I have killed. But the person I was is not me now.. I regret now. I would take it all back if I could.

I was upset and drank a little too much at the party. Allie had to carry me home. Now THERE is an irony! What we used to be to each other is not this! And I- I want both. But it is impossible. She is also not what she once was. And if she knew the things I remember, the things done to me, she would regret too. There is no need for two of us to hold these memories; it is bad enough I see them play over and over in my head every night. She will never need to know, not while we are here. And if it means I'll be alone in this, so be it. I would rather she not feel that kind of pain.

When I finally stopped throwing up this morning I met with Ral Dolas. I thought maybe he could talk some sense into Tori, make him see killing for this goal... The ends do not justify the means. Ral Dolas said something interesting. He asked why I had gone to him. I told him I was worried about Tori, I felt like he was loosing himself. And Dolas said I was not acting like I was worried, I just wanted something to be done. He was right. And a real friend would be talking to Tori, not going to his superiors. I felt like such a fool. I called Tori right away.

We met and had a long talk about what has been happening to us. I told him how I would feel if I lost him. He did not seem to understand, in fact he yelled at me. I told him he is loosing himself, and it is hurting me to watch. I almost told him that I love him, but I'm not so sure anymore it is true. He listened, and seemed to really consider what I said, but I am not sure if anything has been resolved. I think we were not meant to be; now I have to find peace with it.

It has not been the best day. Tori's uncle was shot outside of the school while we were at lunch. We do not know who did it. I am at the hospital with him now. I am scared for him. I think if he knew who did it, he would go on a rampage. More people would die. Father Giuseppe will probably live... But Tori is loosing his soul. It is painful to watch.

August 17, 2008

I just got home from the hospital. Waiting last night was a nightmare. I have respect for Father Giuseppe, though we do not always get along, I do not want him to die. And I am afraid of what it will do to Tori. He is standing at the edge now; this could force him over it.

Bruno came down today to see Tori... He was acting so strange. I think Bruno had something to do with what happened to Father Giuseppe. I tried telling Tori about my hunch, but he does not believe me. Bruno is a family friend and I think Tori is a little blinded by those ties. At least I know he is thinking about it. It may not blindside him like it would had I said nothing. But he might be after Tori next. Tori can take care of himself, but if anything happened to him I would... I do not know what I would do.

August 19, 2008

School and my new job started yesterday. I do not believe many of the teachers were very happy to see me back; it was as though they thought I would go away. I am taking Geometry, creative writing, biology, seminary, French, art history, economics and painting. Everyone treats me the same as they did last year. They either laugh at me or ignore me. I think no small number of them is afraid of me after what I did to Father McCarty last year. This is all fine with me. They are children and do not understand. I do not even find their barbs to sting anymore. If anything, I think Sora has gotten more sensitive though. It worries me a little... I am not looking forward to teaching the popular boys who torment him a lesson, but I will if they push it. If Tori had stayed at St. Mary's, this would not be a problem. Maybe I can convince him to come back.

I also started dancing at Sinful Haven last night. I made a fool of myself. I tripped in the platformst Viper lent me, and slipped a little on the pole. It really did not look this hard! I got Christian's permission to go barefoot, since I have no problems moving that way. The other girls do not recommend it, but my feet will wash. Otherwise, the tips were not too bad, though Viper seemed to think with my exotic looks I should have gotten more. I figure as I get better I will make more money.

I was not able to find out if Shale has hired girls through Christian or not. He was irritatingly vague, which leads me to think maybe he has. A couple of the girls have been to the parties, but they never said if they were working them... Roxie says she knows me from a couple parties. I do not remember her. I actually feel quite embarrassed about it; it must have been before de-tox... She hinted at a few things that sound like I was letting someone do some really crazy shit to me. Gods why do I have to be so stupid? I let Christian know I was interested in being hired out, and he seemed to think it might be better than letting me dance... Hopefully this job will pay off in getting me close to Shale.  
Roxy has offered to give me lessons on the pole after school tonight, though she followed that with the comment, not that I need it... I will never live what I have been doing down... I am exhausted, but I need to be there. I will get better rest when Shale is dead.

August 24, 2008

It feels strange to say this with everything that has been happening, but last night was actually fun. It was the last third tier fight, so EVERYONE was there. I was able to apologize for last weeks drunken debacle, and they were fairly understanding. Carter is also a recovering alcoholic and we had a nice conversation about de-tox and recovery... Of course the irony o having this conversation while drinking champagne does not escape me. I am trying so hard. Light social drinking cannot be harmful. It really cannot!  
Tori won his fight, without killing, and I made so much money! I will be set for quite a while, especially after next week. I am starting to find I like having money. People act differently when you have it, and it is a powerful feeling. Money is key to achieving many of my goals, and I intend to continue to have it.

At the after party, Tori received an invitation to the main event fight from Ka'hesh. We are well on our way to reaching our goal. We will be there with Shale, and will have the perfect opportunity to kill him and get our city back. And maybe if we gain some assets in the chaos it will not be so bad. By now we have earned it.

August 31, 2008

The fight is tomorrow. I am so nervous I am finding it hard to not pace. Everything is ready, clothing for the night, our equipment is ready, and everyone else is trying to get a good night's rest. I cannot... I keep thinking of what I must do. What I am the only one who can do. When everyone is distracted by the fights, I am going to kill him. I can do it from a distance and no one will know it was me. Except perhaps Heron. He will know, may even be expecting it. I will have to make sure he is far enough away for me to kill Shale before he can get to me. And then he will kill me.

I do not want to die, but I am the only one who can do this. And it is a sacrifice I am willing to make. Shale is killing people, and hurting the place that has become my home. We were responsible for that. And now I must end it. Death is no less than I deserve, at it least it will be for a purpose. It will be righting something horribly wrong.

I pray someone reads what I have written here. I want someone to know how hard I tried, how much I wanted to be different. I know I have done terrible things, and I regret what I was. Please know I wanted to be good, I tried so hard to do the right thing. What I was before was not me, but it is no excuse for what I did. I sought to change in the face of adversity; I was told over and over I could never change. But I never stopped trying. I found value in friendships, in trust, in helping others...I fought my nature every day, and I think I have been able to use it for good. I wanted to do more, but if my time here is done, I did what I could. Just remember me. Remember my fight, and maybe my victory.


	11. Unleashed

By my estimate: September 29, 2008

It is strange to think how much has happened since I could last write. Everything has changed. I was such a fool to believe my life could stay untouched on the surface. That the things that had happened in my past could stay in fevered nightmares, and not become reality. I had hoped... Even when my kind were not meant to hope, I think. But now everything is changed and I have a choice to make.  
I should start where I left: on the surface. I left home for the final fights, believing I was possibly leaving for my death. Sora agreed to help me by lending me the use of a crystal, but no one else knew what I had planned. I was honestly quite surprised by Sora's willingness to help. But now I am starting to see that Soras not quite as naive as I had thought. I acted as though I had the highest hopes of survival. They did not suspect anything.  
shale had the arena built in Estevan's library, and had it rigged to contain tass which they released during the second round of each fight. I decided the best time to move was during round two of Tori's fight. They would be distracted by his presence, and surprise would be in my corner.  
And it should have worked. I under estimated one thing, Shale's ability to resist. He realized what was happening and fled. I went after him, but was stopped by Ral Heron, just as I predicted. He looked happier than I have ever seen him; as though he had waited his whole life for an excuse two kill me. He almost succeeded, but one of my friends distracted him from the coup de grace, and Sora healed the wound that should have bled me to death. I even came away from that encounter without a scar... It is funny, my scar used to itch when I would think about engel. Since after that fight, it has not. Perhaps the situation with Ral Heron has been resolved.  
By the time I came to, Heron was down. Everyone else wanted to finish the job, even Sora clamored for his death. But I would not allow it. He had been brought so low... I feel at least a little responsible. And I believe there is a chance for him. I hope Maggie and Ral Dolas were able to get to him and help him be what he was meant to be. Tori took him away from the others, hopefully to somewhere Maggie could find him, and we went down the secret passage way after Shale.  
We caught up with him in the room that was once the Crystal Room, where he had built some kind of machine. I think now it was a tas generator. We fought, and during the battle the machine took a lot of damage. It shot tas lightning, a thing that was familiar to me too late... We were taken to Atlantis.  
When I realized where we were, I admit I lost my head. I wish now that I had not, things may have gone differently had I tried to be calm. Shale attacked me, mostly out of fear and anger, and I did the same. We must have been quite a sight, him trying to get his fingers around my neck while I tried to claw his eyes out. I regret... I regret not trying to find a solution that would have aided all of us. He was just as upset about being there as we were, and could have been convinced to work with us to get back home. A shade on our team would have been such a boon here. He wanted to be home as badly as we did. I regret his death.  
It was a tiefling woman, riding a terrifying winged horse who did it. We did not even see her until Shale was dead. She laughed and named us all mockingly: and engel, a slave, kindred... an emissary. She was thrilled to see Sora. At last, she claimed, the time has come. And she left, laughing. I do not what to know what that means... I fear soon I will.

We rested, and then made our way into the nearby city. It was abandoned, and it did not take us long to realize that we were in Caspian Falls. We were ambushed by kobolds, but were able to convince them not to eat us. We traded some favors, employed some flattery, and were able to enlist their aid for a couple days. I admit, I was not very grateful at the time. I do not like kobolds, but I suppose I should not have been so rude. Too late now, but next time... I will try to remember...  
We agreed to help them get rid of the fish people by the river, and were on our way to do so when we were captured by elves. I am convinced that if Tori had not revealed his nature they would have killed us all. We were taken to their home in the city. Sora was able to get us an interview with their elders, and we learned what had happened here. Caspian Falls was controlled by my people, with Shaddovar receiving tribute every so often. Atherton Wing controlled a portion of the city, and kidnapped elves every so often to employ as slaves. And Vestorimin was incapacitated; frozen in a palace swarming with drow.  
We were invited to stay and rest, then be on our way to wherever we might choose. We were with the elves for almost a month, bidding our time, planning our next move. The others were able to go about the village freely. I could not. They were afraid that I might be attacked, because none of them believed I could be changed. Different had no meaning to them.  
I tried to not let in get to me, but it bothers me when others can be so closed minded. They do not understand what I have been through to get to this point, or how hard I try every moment to turn from what I was. Hell, what I AM. Will I go the rest of my life struggling against persecution?... I suppose it may be no less than I have earned.  
I told Allie about our shared past during this time. I hate the necessity of it, but since we are here it had to be done. Better for her to hear it from me than from someone who would use the knowledge as a weapon against her. She handled it well... by well, I mean she waited until she was alone to weep, I believe. She was shocked. There is nothing left in her that can comprehend the idea of being a slave Keeper. She hates them. I have decided not to tell her the details of what I remember. Of how I was used and how often. Of the number of ways she let others have me, and what she did herself. Of how I was made... I do not know if she could handle the full truth of it, so I will keep it from her. I also promised not to tell the others. I do not know if they could treat her the same, knowing the very little they do about what was done to me.  
We tried to destroy the collar, but have yet been unable to do so. I will keep it with me until I can. If I discard it, it will be used again. The cycle ends with me.  
I spent most of the month bored out of my mind. I am sure I drove my Elvin guard out of their minds as well. My experiments with far hand and mind reading were not well received. I was given extra guards after a little over a week. Nor would they let me practice kata, taking my weapons away completely. I am a creature of action. And without something to keep me occupied I get unbearably restless.  
We all started to feel the need to do something. Either to get home, or to make the situation here better. We learned that there was a portal to the north called the City of Light by the elves. This is where the military breach is. Getting to it was a possibility. We learned about Stygia, where there may also be a portal.  
But I continued to feel a nagging at my brain I needed to make amends for what had happened here. That we should free Vestorimin. It did not take much to convince the others to agree. I kept thinking of what Maggie had said a year ago. We all came together for a purpose. There is a reason we became friends, and maybe the reason is to rectify the past. To heal all the terrible things that happened. To end a war...  
We told the Elvin elders of our plans and they gave us three guides; Aelfwynn, Corbin, and Lythendell. After a couple days preparation, we departed.

On our way to the Royal Quarter of the city, we met the kobolds. It seems they had been searching for us since we had gone with the elves. They still wanted our aid in dealing with the Sahuagin by the river. I think the other would have turned from our objective, but I suggested that we free Vestorimin first, and then go to the river. I learned that the word Vestorimin translates in to pretty much every language quite clearly. They knew I had mentioned him and wanted to know why. Sora told them what we meant to do.  
The kobolds were quite excited and insisted on accompanying us. We could hardly refuse; they would have followed us regardless.  
We traveled along the aqueducts for about an hour, when we came to a breach in the path. We had to jump and Allie slipped and fell. Tori flew to catch her and once on the ground, they were shot at by a spiderbot. A fucking Wing Corporation spiderbot. I hate that damned vampire! He is next on my bad list! Luckily they were able to mostly avoid the nets and no one was hurt. There is a possibility that Wing knows we are here. I hope it gives him something to think about.  
Continuing on, we and eventually came to a place where the kobolds would not continue. They referred to it as the ogre line and tried to keep us from crossing it. But we had to; on the other side was the Royal Quarter. We left them behind.  
We arrived at a drop; below us was where we needed to be. Taka pulled a light out of his shirt a shined it around, which was really not a good idea. I thought nothing of it at the time, but once we made the connection, Taka was not allowed to care a light anymore. We climbed down, and once we reached the bottom were promptly attacked from above. Drow on very big birds were attempting to kill or capture us, I am unsure which.  
One got away, but we were able to kill another, and capture a third. The others wanted to interrogate him. Colt was getting out a knife. The idea of torturing my own kind made me sick. I could not do it, and I could not let the others hurt him. I thought that if we showed him we did not mean to do harm, we might convince him that working for Shaddovar was not in his best interest. My methods were not successful. I do not think he knew anything anyway. He did not know what a human was, and seemed to know nothing about Emissary's either. Aelfwynn killed him. No one could know we were there, and it was the only way to deal with him. I could not watch. I hate killing my own kind. I refuse to do so unless it is absolutely needful. I wish the others could understand that. I am beginning to abhor killing at all; the futility of it is despairing.  
I tried to explain this to Tori. I told him I did not know if I could kill my own kind. I thought he would understand... He did not. He was angry and asked why I told him these things. I trust him, and believed that of all people he would not judge me. I am beginning to realize I was wrong. He is changing, I loved the human, but he is an engel now... And they were meant to judge, I think. He does not see this yet. I think he still expects things from me that I can no longer give him. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, I still care for him a good deal... But I will have to tell him eventually.  
As we walked through the city, we passed many dragonkin and kobolds that were frozen solid. We wanted to better understand what exactly had happened to them, so I tried reading the minds of those around me to see if the frozen dragons were still alive. It was, well, quite disturbing to hear several kobolds wishing they could scratch their noses... And I heard some of the thoughts of my friends. What they thought did not surprise me too much, but I was surprised to find that Corbin, one of our elf scouts, was thinking about me. He had come with us to watch me! Honestly, I thought it was because he meant to kill me, so when I had a moment to talk to him away from the others, I confronted him about it. He told me that it was true, he was watching me, but it was only to see what I would do. He said that I surprised him with my uniqueness, and he wanted to see if others like me were free, would they all be able to change so much. Maybe there was hope.  
Ah, it was exactly what I needed to hear. That there was someone else among us who wanted to try change. To give freedom a chance. My attitude towards our elf friends changed considerably after that. Having them with us was more of a boon than I had imagined.  
We continued on and eventually came to a tall building where we could see the rest of the city. We realized that we had an opportunity to stage a great distraction to hide our entrance into the palace. The buildings all had light fixtures on their roofs that could be activated with magic. We planned to light three of the tallest buildings and draw out parties from the palace. We hoped the chaos would keep us from being caught.  
We lit one building and on our way to the next we found helicopter wreckage. It seems the military has been exploring a lot more of Atlantis than we thought. We scavenged for equipment, figuring it was worth our time (it really was!). We had cleaned up most of the useful things, when we were spotted by a patrol of goblins. It was a touch of luck they only saw Allie, Corbin and I. It took a few hints, but I finally got Allie to play the part and get them to leave us to our business. They looked disappointed, as though they were missing a real treat (I think they thought we meant to kill Corbin), but they backed off.  
So far we were doing very well. We had not been caught and we managed to avoid any serious injuries. We lit the second building and continued toward the palace.

This is where things seemed to go wrong. We arrived at the third building we had chosen to be lit. What we had not expected was that the building was on the main thoroughfare leading to the palace. We discovered that this road was being used to carry ore, slaves and draconians to the palace. As we were trying to get into the building, a cart of slaves being led by a Slaver rolled past. Luckily we were not spotted by him.  
Everyone was safe in the building, though in different rooms. Then I sensed something was wrong. I could hear soldiers approaching. I was close to the door, so I looked to see what we were expecting. They were led by a Kesh Ne''Marr that was obviously searching for something. I felt that of all thoughts, mine were the ones they would sense, and the most important thing was for the others to free Vestorimin. I could be freed later. So I made sure the Kesh Ne'Marr could see me, and bolted, counting on their chasing me.  
I really should have known my plan would not go far. Tori was off right after me to stop me, and they were much more interested in killing an engel than capturing a run away slave. I am afraid it will not be easy to get him to let me go. I turned back and joined the fight, which had gotten messy. I tried to get the others not to kill the slave, but it was an empty hope. I learned then the collar will kill a slave when the Mistress is dead. And I asked them to spare him, not her.  
I also learned my kind fight dirty. Which is really no surprise to me, I know what I am. They use a poison on their weapons that puts their victims to sleep. I was one such victim. I went down in the middle of the fight and did not wake for several hours.  
During that time, I dreamed.  
I was in a cavern chained to a wall, in a circle with others of my kind. I was naked and cold, and more frightened than I can ever remember being. We were chained around a pit in the center of the cavern; a pit full of a violet, shiny goo. Whatever it was filled with filled me with horror and disgust. It was pulsing with some kind of almost alien power. I was enthralled by it, and then the screaming started.  
There were Slavers around the room. They were doing things to the others. They were raised up off the ground, and then the tentacles would come up off the Slavers faces and wrap themselves around the drow's heads. I can still hear their strangled screams echoing in my mind. They were doing other things, but I could not see. I was unable to tear my gaze away from the Slavers that were eating the drow. I am sure that is what they were doing, and it filled me with a sick, petrified terror. What was done to us is unforgivable. Truly evil.  
Though, I am unsure now what exactly to blame it on. Everything has become so confusing.  
A Slaver stepped in front of me. I tried to scramble backwards, but I moved too late. It forced me to rise and lifted my feet off the ground. It looked at me a moment, as if considering my worth, then made a strange gesture with it's hands.  
My world turned to pain. It felt as though I were on fire, and the places where there are now glyphs on my body burned the most intensely. I was branded from the inside. I screamed with the pain, I thought I would scream forever. Then I woke in Tori's arms.  
I appreciate his trying, I really do. But it is so hard to accept comfort from one who will never understand the full scope of the horror that was forced upon me. I was raped; mind, body and soul, and no one can understand who was not in the cavern with me. Tori will try, but there will never be ease in his embrace. I will always put him at a distance. He will end up confused and resentful, and I will run away from it; probably right back into a bottle. This will not work.  
So I pushed him away. He knew I had a nightmare and left me alone. They had fled after the fight to an abandoned part of the city. Takashi had been hurt badly during the battle and everyone needed time to recover. We really needed to figure out how we would get into the palace, and spent much time discussing with Aelfwynn the best way how.  
We had a bit of a surprise during this time. Colt picked up a distress call on his radio. There was a human from the military wreckage still alive! Jordan Crow was also terrified and a great fool, and once he learned that Colt was able to help him he shot a flare gun. I was furious. If we were discovered so close to our goal, there was no telling if we would be able to reach it. Luckily the flare was not seen, and we gained a mostly competent ally. He was unsure about Allie and myself, understandably, but has learned we mean no harm. Leastwise, not to him.

We decided our best option was to get into the palace by trying to find a passage through the waterfall. We made it there with no delays, which in itself was a bit strange. But I am certainly not going to nay say good luck, which has been with us since we arrived in Caspian Falls. There were platforms along the cliffs that seemed to be made for loading supplies or for mining. We were able to access the top most of these undetected. However as we went down we ran into a few goblins, which we were able to take out without any problems.  
It was once we found access to a cave system we ran into anything that would cause problems for us. The worst of problems: it was a Slaver. He stunned all of us except for Tori. I could hear the screams of other slaves in my head as I stood there unable to move. A sick horror rose in my throat, I do not think I could have moved if I had been able to. Tori killed it, and we were all fine, but it took me a while to recover. I cannot think of many things that fill me with as much fear and loathing as a Slaver. Not even the shade make me feel this way. I know I will have to face this terror, but I am so scared I will freeze up. And someone I care about will get hurt because I fear my past. I fear those that made me what I am. And that fear could destroy me. It almost did on the surface, after all. I have come to close... It is too easy to go back.  
We pressed on down the tunnel. We did not run into any more patrols, which I am grateful for. However, we did come across a strange obstacle before we entered the palace. There was a gate; three bars covered in writing blocked our path. Nigel knew the language, and claimed the writing told us how to unlock the gate. But the writing scrolled all around the bars and he could not see the other side. I was prepared, unusually, with a small mirror I got in Paris. I telekinetically moved the mirror around where he was reading, and after a while he figured out most of the key. We had to move the bars around in different sequences, in different directions, and we were not sure if actually touching them was a good idea. They are lucky they are friends with quite a versatile psionic or they may have had to find another way into the palace. I used a couple powers to turn the bars and we were able to pass.  
It was a short hallway into the palace from there. We entered through a wine cellar and took out a few guards on our way up. During one short fight we almost had a couple big bruisers join in. I was able to convince Allie once again to play the part of what she used to be and get them to leave. It was incredibly funny; they were terrified. I am glad she is becoming less afraid of the past. Finding ways to use it to our advantage has been very helpful quite a few times. Maybe I will eventually be able to get her to act the part without verbal prompting!  
We worked our way up to the top of a tower and looked out to see which way we needed to go. WE found we had started something big. The two buildings we had lit for our distraction had started a chain reaction lighting up every building in the city. It was like being in Boston looking down from the Baxter Building. At least that much had been successful! We took note of the general direction we would need to go to get to what we guessed was the throne room and went back down the tower. I was starting to understand the danger we were in. The palace is so large and there was no telling how many enemies there were. We could not be seen. I had to turn my back several times on my friends killing my people. It was necessary. Freeing Vestorimin was so important, but I still regret every death.  
I had almost given up on being able to talk reasonably with other drow. They all seemed so stubborn and willing to blindly follow Shaddovar, even though they could be so much more. I have since learned that it is not a human trend alone for some people to be so lacking in imagination and ambition. It makes me wonder how I became the slave! I would have been better used helping my own kind. But I am glad I am not the kind who gives up easily. We came across another Kesh Ne'Marr. They were in the back of a patrol we had come across. I did not know they were there at first, but when I heard the woman shout, "Kesh Ne'Marr, stand down and report!" I knew we were in trouble.  
The others took on the patrol while Allie and I took on the Mistress and slave. I am certain he was hearing my thoughts. I did not want to fight him, and he looked me in the eyes and said, "Then come home." I still feel a chill down my spine thinking about these words. They imply something I did not understand then, and am only starting to see now. And I fear the outcome. I will come home one day, and nothing will be the same. He was incredibly fast; it was as though he knew what I was planning on doing before I did it. Luckily, I happen to be fairly fast too, even without precognition. We were very well matched. Allie and Taka kept the Mistress busy; I think Corbin or Aelfwynn also tried to take her down. A patch of darkness formed in the corner where I thought I had seen the elves. I heard her say to Allie, Control your pet, or I will." Bitch.  
Then a funny thing happened that makes me sure he could hear my thoughts. The darkness disappeared. I figured it was Nigel, only a magic user could undo darkness formed by a tiefling. I registered this in the back of my mind and they stopped for just a moment and looked at me. Fear filled her eyes, and he looked very surprised. Something about the name Caspian was unexpected.  
We continued fighting and things took a turn for the worst. Colt went down at some point, and Crow shot Allie before he fled because he thought she was responsible. The Mistress was really beating on Taka, and Allie was trying to help me with the slave; who was still proving untouchable. It was looking like we were going to loose and I knew they would take me alive if they could. I decided if that were true, I had only one more chance to be true to myself. One last attempt to prove we had a choice.  
I stopped attacking using my swords only to defend myself, and told him it did not have to be this way. We do not have to be slaves to Shaddovar. We can be more. It seemed it was the promise of more that caught his attention. My spirit lifted just a little; he was listening! His Mistress screamed we could only be as we were made and Allie replied we could choose if we want. She was helping me, I could have kissed her! The others had never shown an interest before in helping me with my goals, so Allie's assistance came as a pleasant surprise. Especially considering how she feels about Kesh Ne'Marr. His Mistress tried so hard to bring him to heel, but the damage was done. Allie hit her with a poisoned bolt and she was unconscious.  
I was very worried about how we were going get the collar off. I do not know very much about them, and Nolan seemed a bit worried about it too. Nigel, who has turned out to be a constant blessing, had a lock picking kit and was able to remove the collar from both Nolan and his Mistress. We hid in a nearby room to talk and rest for a short time. I told him a little bit about myself; I had lost my memory when I was transferred to the surface. Apparently, Shaddovar has been telling everyone the surface is uninhabitable and Vestorimin and the dragons had wiped out all of the humans. We had proof this was not true. I told him we were here to free Vestorimin. Nolan believed me, but it is never easy to learn you have been lied to and used. He asked if there was sky on the surface... and I almost wept. I may never see the sky again, but at least I have the memory of it. Nolan does not even have that much.  
We had tarried for too long, it was time to make a very important decision. What do we with the Keeper? The other would have killed her outright, but I felt it was very important to involve Nolan. I was not sure what kind of feelings he might have had toward her; if he really did care for her and believed she could be persuaded to help us it would be wrong to kill her. After all, I care about Allie very much, though it has become a friendship as opposed to love. I could never justify not trying to show anyone a new way to live. Nolan told me, after I asked him what he thought; she would not want to live in a place where she would no be a queen. I asked him what he wanted to do with her, trying so hard to be careful of his feelings. It was so important to me he decide.  
Without another word he killed her. I wish I could say I watched emotionlessly, but watching him stab through her body with his psi-blades made me realize something. I did not have the choice to be free. It was forced on me, just like everything else in my life before then. I learned how to cope with freedom, learned to like it; but I will never get the release I could see in Nolan's eyes as he took her life. I will never be able to take my freedom.  
He wept as he did it, honestly I wept a little too. The first step is not ease, this I understand. I went and touched his shoulder, though I should have known better. It is hard to know what to expect from the touch of another when touch has been used against you for so long. I think is why I get defensive and confused when one of my friends tries to embrace or comfort me. I am waiting to see what it is going to cost me. He pushed me away and fled from the room. I have not seen him since, which concerns me. A freed slave cannot survive on his own, especially freed without the blessing of his maters. I am responsible for whatever happens to him. If he is not hurt somewhere, or captured or dead, I believe he will show up again. I hope it is soon, because I have a lot of questions for him.

We continued on to where we thought the Throne Room might be. We were actually a lot closer than I had guessed, because it was no too long before we could here two echoing voices in conversation. It was the leader of the garrison here reporting to someone else. The leader was telling his superior about our attack, plus the Slavers knew that one of us was and engel. They guessed correctly we were attempting to free Vestorimin. His superior was very angry about this, shouting this must not be allowed to happen. He said something about having to be at the front and he would hate to be called away again over nothing. I believe he left at that time and those remaining continued with their ritual.  
Colt and I sneaked out onto the balcony to see exactly what we were up against. What I saw still brings bile to my throat. The dragon, Vestorimin, stood in the middle of the room, wings poised for attack, his mouth open as if in an eternal roar, his scales a shimmering gold. I stared for a moment, in awe of how powerfully beautiful he was. I had not seen something so great before that moment. Yet still his eyes seemed to convey a great sorrow. Blood and gore filled his open maw. A scaffolding of wood and metal was built around the front of him, with a crosswalk leading to his head. There were strange glowing glyphs on the floor, with draconians frozen in place on them. Four shades stood around them, performing some strange chant and gesturing at the dragons. Then the bodies of the draconians began to contort and contract into themselves. I began to understand what was going to happen, but the truth was too horrifying to believe. They moved the crushed draconians up the scaffolding and to the center, right in front of Vestorimin's open mouth. I knew then what they would do, and though it sickened me I could not look away. They pushed the remains of his kin into his open mouth, forcing him to cannibalize his own descendants. I had to fight vomiting, I was so disgusted and horrified, but we could not reveal ourselves just yet.  
Colt kept his head a bit better than I did, and set up our plan. While he and the elves would stay on the balcony and distract the shade and the demon that lead them, the rest of us would go sown to the ground floor and stop the ritual. Colt set up his very large gun and they shot at the shade while we hurried down the stairs.  
The demon was no longer on the ground floor by the time we got there, but I could hear them fighting with something big on the balcony and figured correctly he was fighting with the elves. The shade were reluctant to pause in their ritual, but under our attacks they soon found they had no other choice.  
I was too distracted by my opponent to see what was happening, but Allie told me later what was going on at the time. As we were fighting, one of the shades continued the ritual while the rest took care of us. Colt was shooting at him while he cast and killed him, interrupting the ritual. The draconian he was casting on died and fell to the floor, blood going everywhere. The glyph it was on went dark. Allie watched and realized what this might mean. She shot a crossbow at one of the remaining dragons, causing it to bleed on the second glyph. She had been trying not to kill it, but it still died. The second glyph went dark. On the balcony Colt watched and also realized what had to be done. He shot and killed the remaining draconian and broke the spell.  
The dragon's roar was deafening. I felt a painful tug in my stomach, there was a flash of blinding light, and the Throne Room was gone.

It was cold and wet when I came to awareness again. I opened my eyes to a blinding white light and had to blink several times before I was able to see even a little. It did not take very long to figure out what was going on. We were laying in the snow on the surface, with a giant fucking dragon sitting near us staring at the twilight... And Filaine and Ryan were with us.  
I decided the dragon could wait. Fil was in her pajamas and it was freezing! All I could think of was Vestorimin did not have the best sense of timing. I gave Fil my cloak since I did not need it as much as she did. She did not know how she had gotten there, but I had a pretty good idea.  
I took stock of the situation. We were all there except for Aelfwynn, Corbin, Lythyndell and Crow. I am still furious with Vestorimin for leaving them behind. However the rest of us were there and unharmed. It was as I turned my attention to the dragon Colt also decided to find out what was going on. I am not sure what Colt said to him, but I think was something along the lines of please do not eat us, because the dragon replied, "I was not planning on it." He examined us each in turn; I could see so much wisdom and sorrow in his eyes. But there was no anger, at least not when he looked at me. I knew then my fears were unfounded, he would not stamp me out like vermin.  
Instead he thanked us, Allie and Colt especially, as it was them who really broke the spell. He offered to grant us each one request. I could not think of anything for myself except to change the past, but I knew it would be impossible. Instead I asked for a clear intellect, so I could better keep my cool under pressure. Considering how much my emotions jumble my thoughts, this cannot have been too difficult.  
As the others made their requests I sat back and thought about what would happen next. It seemed as though we would go back to Atlantis. I thought about how the only thing Nolan had asked about was the sky. The longing in his voice had struck me. I had seen the sky, the stars, clouds, snow, a thunderstorm... And had taken it all for granted. So I sat back and stared into the stars, trying to imprint them into my memory. I knew where my destiny lay, and it is not up there... Not yet.  
I felt Tori walking toward me, heard the flutter of his wings and shuddered. No, no comfort there. I was about to ask him to leave me alone, when Vestorimin addressed us all once again. He gave us a choice. We could go back to Boston and resume our normal lives, without our memories of Atlantis. Or we could go back to Caspian Falls and face darkness and pain and fear... What a choice... A few of us were not given a choice. Filaine is a Princess of her people. A princess! I am not surprised. It was her duty to return to Caspian Falls and help restore the city. Sora carries four of the keys to Stygia, and is the only emissary left ho understands what is at stake. And Nigel and Ryan are becoming too powerful to be let loose among humans. They had to return to Atlantis. The rest of us could choose.  
Colt declared that if even one of us had to stat, all of us had to. I bristled a little at his presumption. If I stayed it would be for my own reasons, not for some illusion of solidarity. Tori agreed to stay, citing pretty much the same reason as Colt. Taka agreed, and so did Allie. Then the dragon turned his eyes on me. I did not want to go back. Atlantis has meant nothing but pain and fear and anger. On the surface I could choose. On the surface was light, and art and music; ships on the ocean, and dancing at the club until dawn; Paris, Egypt... Boston... It is my home.  
And then I thought, of all the most unexpected things, about Nolan. I helped free him and then left him there alone. If I went back to Boston, he would not have a chance to continue to choose... and we would both loose the only person who understands what we are. When I thought about this I could not bear the thought of turning back. I agreed; I had a responsibility. Maybe I am an idealist. Maybe I am pursuing a goal that will ever be beyond my reach. Perhaps hope is my weakness, but am I wrong to hope for something better?! Is it wrong for me to hope for something more, not just for me, but for others? I do not think so.  
Vestorimin asked us what we planned on doing in Atlantis once we were back. It was difficult to frame an answer. We paused for a moment, none of us willing to commit to any one thing. Then Tori replied, "Help win a war." This was not quite what I was expecting any of us to say. It was, strange enough, Vestorimin who put voice to my reservations. He said history is a cycle, and what has happened now has happened before. He did not need to tell us that winning would not change a thing. The cycle must be broken in order for change. The cycle must be broken for there to be peace. And then Tori said something that sealed away any hope for the two of us, "Someone must enforce the peace." A sentiment echoed by his Hymnal brother... And in the end, their reason for was... I realized, truly realized then Tori and I could never be together. I will never be able to get past what he is. You could call me a hypocrite, but I care not. It would end in tragedy, and I really need no more of that. It is better ended now.  
I asked him who exactly he thought would "enforce" this peace. I think we would have had a terrible row right there, but the dragon interrupted. He told Tori he may find himself disappointed in the engels he will meet in Atlantis. I fear this may be true, we will not find them helpful. Vestorimin told us our goals would be difficult, that the people in Atlantis were not meant to change. It would be hard to get them to understand change... They are what they are. Most slaves see no need to be free. I was very angry I asked why the Creators made us this way. He told me we were experiments and humans were the culmination of what they meant to achieve. I am still angry. They made us, failed experiments, and then expelled us from the world so we could kill each other. But they were wrong to do so. Some of us were not so easily cast aside, and now the entire world might pay the price. They were wrong and we will pay for it.  
I must have been dying for a good argument. I almost started on Vestorimin, but he stopped me, saying we could talk about theology and philosophy later. It was time to go back, if we were still resolved to do so. He asked if we were still resolved to return. Each in turn he made us state what we wished. Climactically, I was last. I think he knew my heart on this matter. Did I wish to go back? No, never... but I would return to Atlantis regardless. One cannot fight their destiny. I looked to the sky one last time, burning the starts into my memory.

I do not like traveling between worlds. There is a pain in your belly, like a hook grabbing about your inside. It tugs hard on your body and pulls you through. When you get to the other side you feel light headed and disoriented, and an extreme nausea. It is worse than a hang over, or coming down from a high, or airplane travel. I hope I will only have to feel it one more time: when I get to go home when this is all over.  
We arrived back in the Throne Room; Vestorimin's cry still echoing through the world. I took stock of the situation we found ourselves in once again, and found it to be not good. The demon still stood upon the balcony, the bodies of the elves, our friends, dangling from ropes below him. Tortured, near dead. The three remaining shade stood on the ground floor, watching or aiding the torture it matters not. The demon exclaimed his surprise we would return, but there was no need for an answer on our part. He ordered the shade to kill us.  
Does Shaddovar answer to demons? I shall ask Nolan when I can find him. Unless he was not entirely aware of anything beyond his Mistress, he may have some information that could aid us.  
They descended upon us as Tori took flight to engage the demon. That would give me time to climb up to the balcony and fee the elves. They are our friends, though they may distrust me personally. They deserve to be first in my mind. Colt's gift from Vestorimin was a new path. He was granted holy powers to combat his enemies. As I ran for the nearest place to climb, he created a sphere of light to better combat the darkness the shade created around them.  
By the time I climbed up to the elves the fight was over. We had cut off the head of the enemy in Caspian Falls, but the battle raged on throughout the city. After we made sure our friends were yet living, I looked out from a balcony to the outside. I could see where the battles raged most hot by the pockets of fire and light that were spread throughout the city. And I could see Vestorimin, wings spread in flight, breathing fires of vengeance on those who had held him captive for so long. I watched knowing I was witnessing, ha, contributing to history. But the others called me away; we still had our own part to play.

It seemed to me the safest place for us to be was the Throne Room. The bulk of our enemies lay outside fighting dragons and very few others knew we were there. Colt showed me otherwise. Tendrils of shadow curled through the broken skylights... Danger quickly approached us. Colt and Tori herded us back to the room here Nolan had killed his Mistress. I had hoped he would have come back there, but no one was there save the mangled corpse. I tried to keep her out of my mind as I helped to make the elves comfortable. When Colt began setting up a barricade it dawned on me: we should not have left the Throne Room. If we were the only allies we had in the palace, then it was our responsibility to hold it. We had to fight. When I realized this, I prepared myself for an argument. But Colt agreed with me, so the others followed. Colt instructed Crow to barricade the door and protect the elves while we went back to the Throne Room.  
The shadows were still pouring in through the skylight as we watched from the balcony. As we waited to see what we would be facing, there was a terrible scream in the air. I felt fear like I have not felt in a long while... And then the voices claimed me.  
A terrible voice, male and female and monster alike spoke in my head, "You have come back!" I was possessed by a cold terror, unable to move or speak or even think beyond these words, "You have come back!... Now you can do it!" I cannot describe what I felt gripped by what ever it is that held me at the time. These thoughts, this thing is so alien and horrifying no words in any language I have ever heard can describe it. It is everything and nothing, primordial and technological, and for some reason I will never comprehend it has chosen me.  
It was only for a minute but it felt like years before I felt the scream tearing my throat, and heard the rush of wings. Tori. They needed me. I tore my awareness from their grasp and took in what was going on around me. The tiefling woman who killed Shale and what looked like a melding of an engel and a shade fought on the other side of the balcony. I could not recall his arrival, though I remember hers through a haze. They spoke while they fought and he shouted, "You have taken her from me once, I will not allow it again!" To which she laughed and insulted his creation and family line. I recall asking Allie if he meant her or me... Ah, were we surprised by the answer!  
There were six shades on the ground and Taka and Tori were headed for them while Colt prepared to shoot his very large gun down at them. I pushed the voices as far back in my mind as I could, though they still drove me to distraction, and climbed down o join the fray. It was a strange fight. Looking back it seems as though my awareness was unattached to my body. As though I was an outsider watching my actions. I remember thinking that if they were not silent; they would cause my death by distracting me from the fight. But they persisted, "You have come back! Now free us! She's back, now she can do it!" Every voice, and now there were several, chanted a different litany, but they all meant the same. They had found me, and they would claim me if they could.  
The teifling woman called down to the shade we fought to stop playing with us, and do their job. By then we had killed two of them. The rest quickly faded from sight and we turned our attention from the teifling and her opponent. She vaulted back onto her winged horse and shouted, stereotypically, this was not over. I swear I shall claw out the eyes of the next fool to say this! Then she left. Allie and I exchanged a glance, both of us certain we were about to find out the answer to the question left between us earlier.  
The man dove from the balcony, headed quickly for Allie and myself. We were both completely unprepared for this, and it seemed as though time slowed for a handful of heartbeats. He landed in front of us and in two quick steps lifted Allie into an embrace, and I understood. I had felt there was something more to her loyalty than Shaddovar, and now I knew what it was. She had a lover. He nearly wept to see her again, and all she could do was stare at him dumbly and stammer she did not remember. I could have wept with frustration. I adore the woman fiercely, but she is so completely tactless when it comes to caring for the emotions of others. Was she always this way, or has it only been since the memory loss?  
He was surprised and did not understand. Allie seemed incapable of explaining, such was her shock, I took pity on the pair of them and explained we had been on the surface. He asked how we came to be together since we had been separated, and I told him it was an accident we had found each other... Or fate. It did not surprise him. Since this did not seem to enable Allie's ability to communicate, I delivered the final blow. I told him we had lost our memories during the transfer and while I had regained a few memories; Allie remembered nothing.  
And the voices returned, like a terrible hand gripping my mind. "Remember? She remembers! Remember!" They cried as one. I felt a twist in my stomach as my mind was pulled to the memory of the caver. This time, chained to the wall before the pit, I looked up. A cauldron hung there, above the pit. I knew, as bile rose in throat, whatever was in the cauldron was very, very bad. Above the cauldron the cavern was open. Drow stood all around the opening pointing bows and other weapons at the cauldron. Instinct told me there was constant surveillance on the cauldron and had been for an eternity. It was very, very bad...  
I am starting to wonder if I have been wrong about how and why I was made to be this way. Was it my own people who did this? I fear maybe it was. I am not sure what to think of it. I know, though I do not want to know, I will learn the truth of it one day. I will regret it.  
I was unchained from the wall and taken out of the cavern. It seemed as though I were going to be deployed like the others, but they brought me back into the cavern and chained me to the wall again. I watched other drow go through the same branding ritual I did... I can even vaguely recall Nolan's face... And then they did the same to me again. Several times they had me unchained from the wall, only to bring me back and brand me again. Over and over and over. Throughout the whole memory the voices cried, remember, remember, remember! I will go slowly mad if I cannot banish their chorus from my mind.  
With a gasp I became aware of where I was once more. I had fallen to the floor, my friends standing around me. I had only been gripped by memory for a handful of minutes. Allie's ancient lover, Typhon, was gone; and it was time to decide what to do. I could still hear them in my head; now knowing without being told where they come from. The pit. They are whatever is glowing inside its depths. I collected myself and tried to concentrate on the matter at hand. It was difficult, but I have found I have hidden steel in my nerves. The difficult is not beyond my ken.

The palace at Caspian Falls has five towers. Each of these towers has three levels, and each level has one barricade-able door. Plus there are the main gates to the city and the door behind them. We had to make sure all the doors were shut and barricaded. Colt and Taka decided we should split up to save time, and no one protested. In hind sight this was a terrible idea. But at the time I was fighting with the chorus in my head and was not entirely there.  
So Allie and I set out alone for the tower in which we entered. The door on the third floor was wide open. At first I thought of Nolan, but now I think it may have been one of the shades who escaped us. We shut and locked the door, then moved on to the next. We secured half of the doors on the third floor, when we found something very strange. A door in the middle of the hallway was covered in red graffiti. It looked like blood. We stopped so Allie could take a look at it. She told me the writing was a warding spell of some kind, and she thought the room might be a library.  
We would have stayed longer, but there was a crash a couple floors below us. The tower had been breached. I thought it might be a good idea to sneak up on the enemy since we were above them and they would not be expecting us. It seemed like a good ambush, but I did not take into account their numbers, power, or the fact that there were only two of us. They were ogres, a lot of ogres and they all had very large weapons. WE had to flee, though I hated the necessity.  
We ran to the front door of the palace where Allie continued, but I had reached a point of weariness hard to describe if you have not been assaulted mentally, emotionally and physically all at once. The voices still cried out in my head, "You are back! We are sorry! Free us! She can do it now! Free us!" Also I was starting to see things, things I cannot find the words for. Horrible, alien, disgusting things I do not want to remember. But I still see them. They are taking over my mind, I cannot stop it. They will assault my senses until I am fully their creature, just like they say. I was in tears from exhaustion. I looked over to the door to the Throne Room and to the spot on the balcony where I first began to loose my mind. And I realized it was the perfect place to hide. The ogres were closing in on me, so I ran to the balcony and climbed under it. Right below the spot the enemy would be standing in a matter of seconds.  
I could hear them marching, but they did not seem to be coming any closer. Tori came into the Throne Room from the other side then, and flew up to where I clung to the wall. He told me he had just taken out a troupe of ogres by himself and I told him about the group chasing me. By now we could hear them moving away from us and decided to sneak up on the from behind. We went back to the staircase where they were stalling and attacked. Allie, Taka and Colt were at the bottom of the staircase and having caught them between us, we made short work of the last immediate threat to the palace.

At this point, a group of freed draconians came in through the broken skylight. They indicated they would watch the skies for intruders and we decided it was finally safe enough to rest. While the others took Colt, who was hurt badly, to Sora and Crow; I took the opportunity to find a quiet, private place to rest. It had been too long since I had been able to be completely alone and I needed the solitude badly.  
Before I started my revery, I tried to force the voices out of my mind. It worked for a very short time, so I know it is possible. But it only lasted for a few seconds before they came back louder than before. They screamed "No! You can't! You service us! You can't!" I nearly wept with frustration. As i rested and reveried, they watched. They saw my memories as I relived them, and now they know more about what I have been doing since I have been away. I do not want them to know! I know they will use it to hurt me, but I cannot shut them out. How long until I can no longer fight it? How long until they take me? I want to die instead. Whatever they want me for, I do not want to do it.  
I woke from my revery to find Typhon watching me. I should have expected it after Allie's reaction to him when he first arrived on the scene. I should have known he would not yet be able to confront her and would therefore come to me for answers. I wish I could have provided him with more comforting answers than I was able to give. He asked where we were. I knew when he said "you" what he really meant was her, so I tried to spare him the superfluous details of my own adventures on the surface. I told him we were on the surface, chance led us back to each other, then circumstances and fate brought us back to Atlantis after a year.  
He told me Tori was guarding her and he could not get to her. Then he asked me to tell her he had to keep away, Hecate would kill us if she could and he did not want to lead them to Allie. He asked me to tell her he still loves her. Oh, no... This is going to end badly. It is starting to look like a Shakespearean tragedy. I can only hope this is not one of the tales where everyone dies.  
I explained to him what has happened to Allie during her time on the surface. I told him she has forgotten everything and does not want to remember. She is not the woman she was here. She hates what she was. I cannot really gauge his reaction to what I told him, though I do know he was not happy to hear it. He gave me a dark look and faded into shadows. Then he was gone. Fuck! Why me? Why now, of all times!? If only Allie were better at talking to people. Though it seems Typhon is not any better at it! I do not want to be in the middle of this, but I want to help my completely inept friend. I suppose what is will be.  
After he left I went back to the others. I took Allie aside a moment and told her about the conversation I just had. She had the reaction I figured she would, which was confusion and avoidance. She wants me to tell him about Vince. Me!! Typhon will kill the bearer of this bad news, I am sure of it! Why me? This is all going to end badly.

It was not long before we were summoned by Filaine. I was so glad to hear she lived. When we came back and were all separated, I figured correctly she was with Vestorimin. She had been with him and Nigel in the city fighting the scouting parties of drow. When we arrived in the Throne Room she was there with Vestorimin and Nigel. Oh, poor Fil. She had been so happy on the surface; just a normal girl. And now she stood before us, a princess, with duties and responsibilities. In a time of war... She looked so frightened. But she seemed to be warming up to the idea, if not the practice, and conducted herself beautifully. She explained to us what had happened while we were holding the palace and told us to prepare for a siege.  
Vestorimin gave us permission to basically open the palace. This meant breaking the spells on the doors that led to areas Shaddovar wanted restricted. He told us where the power room was so we could light the palace, and gave us permission to use the library. We first went to the power room. After a few false starts Allie was able to break the spell on the door. There were large crystals inside we had guessed were supposed to conduct the light. Colt and Sora cast light spells on them and slowly they collected the light to be spread throughout the palace.  
We headed up to the library then. I stalled behind everyone while Allie tried to break the charm on the door. Once again I tried to banish the voices from my mind. But it was for naught. I am afraid I may not be able to maintain my sanity for long. They are still here, whispering to me. Pleading, flattering and threatening me in turns. I cannot shut them out, it is too hard. I am terrified too soon they will claim me for whatever purpose it is they chose for me.  
We did not have much of a plan in the library aside from finding maps, so we all separated to our own devices. I wandered for a few minutes looking for something familiar in a room full of a language I do not understand yet. I finally a row of books written in the demon language. There were histories and legal coding and books full of business transactions. I found a history book from five thousand years ago, which is really quite fascinating, and let myself read for a moment. We have the promise of time in the study in the next week, which I am really looking forward to. I need a little time to get my thoughts straight and get used to the voices watching my mind.  
I had been reading for a while when Sora and Allie came to me with a puzzle. They had found a couple of tubes which matched spaces under a statue of a dragon Allie had found. We found more of these tubes spread throughout the library. Soon everyone was searching for them. It did take us about an hour, but we found all of the tubes. Once they were placed around the statue it shifted over to reveal a staircase going into the ground. What the hell, we figured. Let us explore!  
Halfway down the staircase we learned there was not a staircase all the way down. There were platforms at certain places, but we had to guess where to jump. I have never been good at guessing. Hunches, I can do. Wild theories are my specialty. But guessing on the fly? I fell. It was a long drop, and I had almost resigned myself to death, when Tori caught up with me. We landed, hard, on a floor covered in spikes. It was not too much of a trial to find my way to the wall and climb up to where Taka and Colt waited. Allie also fell, but I was not surprised. She is terrified of heights and has never handled fear very well. But our guardian angel was there and we all got to the end of the staircase safely.  
At the end of a staircase was a hallway that was rigged to spout fire if we stepped on certain hexagons. Tori had his tools, however and checked each one for the trigger that would engage the trap. He made it through most of the hallway unscathed, but did set off the trap eventually. Flames spouted from each hole in the wall, nearly lighting Colt on fire as well. Tori was unphased: engel are fairly immune to fire. However his clothes are not and he gave us quite a show. Ah, if I were not resigned to not thinking of Tori in that way... Well, needless to say he is quite a beautiful man.  
We crossed the hall to a doorway which opened into an open room only crossable by a series of wires hanging from the ceiling. These wires were covered in quicksilver, which pooled deeply at the floor as well. This was going to be a problem. I climbed the wall all around the room to get a better idea of what we were up against. Around a small corner on both sides of the room was a platform. When pressure was placed on it the platform sunk a little, bringing the wires with it. I crawled to the door. It did not seem to be trapped, but I did not want to risk anything, so I used my far hand to turn the handle. They began to cry, "Yes! Do it! Prove yourself!" I lost my concentration, and almost lost my hold on the wall. They will be my death if it continues like this. This time I did not fall, but next time? I crawled back over to my friends and told them what I had found.  
Taka crossed the wires, while Sora and I stood on the platforms to open the door. Sora gave Allie and Colt a spell allowing them to climb on the walls like we could and Tori crossed on the wires. We were a bit worried at first, but everyone got through the door unhurt.  
On the other side was a small room that looked to me exactly like the crystal room in St. Stevens. However, there were three more doors in the room Sora told us were marked as past present and future. I could not tell if there was a key to unlocking the doors. Sora placed the crystal in the center and when nothing happened I decided to take a chance. It was foolish of me, I know, but when exactly have I been known for playing it safe? Without really thinking I reached for the door labeled as the future.

I blinked and opened my eyes to find myself in new, but familiar surroundings. I stood on the grounds of St. Mary's, my swords drawn, dead goblins and orcs strewn around me. I had killed them, this much I knew, and they had nearly killed me doing it. A sonic boom blasted over my head, and I looked up to see two black dragons soaring through the sky skirmishing with military jet fighters. There was a feeling this fighting had been going on for years since we got back from Atlantis. I was catching my breath, when a bright white light flashed from the chapel behind me. Something was wrong...

I ran to the chapel, climbed up the walls and through a hole in the ceiling. Quietly I crept to a spot where I could see what had happened. I saw Maggie, surrounded by dead orcs; carrying an engel to the altar. It was Tori... I stifled a sob and watched. He had been stabbed by a very large sword, which was still lodged in his torso. Maggie was weeping. I heard footsteps, and glanced toward the chapel doors. Allie stood there, as a tiefling, not a human. She looked terrified and she started upon seeing Maggie standing there. When Maggie saw her, her face turned ugly. She shouted, "What are you doing here? Do you know what you've done?! You were supposed to fix this!" She headed toward Allie, drawing her weapon.

At this moment a large number of orcs crowded through the door wearing tac vests and shooting automatic weapons. Allie fled the scene, leaving Maggie alone against the enemy. But not for long. A flash of shadow moved around, killing as it went. I believe it was Typhon but I cannot be sure. Allie was there and in danger, so there is a good chance it was him.

A bright light shined on what was left of the ceiling above me. I turned to see what it was and saw a small group of soldiers in armor pointing their gun lights at me. One of them pulled his face mask off a little and I realized it was Colt. He was a couple years older than I am used to seeing him. He motioned for me to follow him, so I flipped from the wall joining him on the ground.

I blinked and the door in front of me opened, revealing Sora and Allie had solved the key to opening the rooms. I felt drained of energy; I am still not entirely recovered from the door. While I was in the future, I could hear the voices as though through a fog. They were still there, but it seemed as though they were turned away from me. Looking somewhere else. But the moment the door opened they returned, "There you are! Quit playing with the dragons and get to work!" I sighed and looked around me. The rooms were really quite fascinating.

Each room held the technologies of the past, present and future represented by magical means. It was quite fascinating to see. I could have spent days looking around there, but Tori had left and told Vestorimin where we were. In his human form he arrived with us immediately. What we did not know was in opening these rooms we had activated other gateways connected to it. I felt so stupid. What have we done? We keep poking our noses where we do not belong and it never ends well. We left the rooms and went about other pursuits in shame.

I was able to find paper, and so am not writing of what we have accomplished. And the task before us. Something must change! I am not sure how to achieve peace, only it means victory for neither side can be had. They must come to an agreement beneficial for both sides, Shaddovar and the Hymnal. I believe it is why we are here. We were brought together fora purpose. Now it is coming clear. There must be peace.


End file.
